Broke

Remember me,
With a grin upon my face…
So you’ll understand
I cherish all the things weve shared
Don’t forget that im,
Always here when you are down
Just cry out loud
So I can feel im still alive

Coz baby I am vanishing
Cant blame the wind
And don’t try to pretend
You need me there
Coz baby im driftin away
Melted by rain
It seems that you don’t even know
I started vanishing

-Mink

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What would you do if the only person who could make you stop crying is the person who makes you cry?

- Anon

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peOple haVe tHe frEEdom tO lOve. To cHoose who We giVe oUr heArtS tO. bUt, wHat'S tHe uSe oF thIs frEedOm...iF tHe pErsOn yOu Love, aLso hAs thE fReeDom nOt to LovE yOu bAcK

- from a friendster account shout out

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Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion — nothing, but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
- Yvaine played by Claire Danes (Stardust)

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but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
- Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

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I sped and caught up with her as she entered the kitchen. "...Thank you nga pala," I tried to say. I must've muttered some of the syllables because she seemed to take an eternity to reply. "Baket?" she asked as she poured coffee into the 2 mugs beside the 2 plates on the small kitchen table.
"For waking me up," I said. She smiled at me. Suddenly it doesn't feel like its too cold out anymore.
- Aldrin (www.maidinmakati.blogspot.com)

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When you build your future around a particular person, definitely that means one major preparation. You have to plan, project, design and envision all the steps to make it better if not the best life there is. But when you realize that the person whom you envisioned to share the fortress that you ve been trying to build, brick by brick, doesn’t build his future around you, then…
- Mink's unfinished post

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"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"
- Iris Simpkons, played by Kate Winslet (The Holiday)

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Would I leave the person who were there during the worst time of my life and help me start over just to be with the person I love? No matter how I would like to put it, there is only one answer that my futile, stubborn, rush, and irrational mind. Yes I will. I mean, there is no point at all in being in a relationship with someone if the only reason you are with that person is because you owe him/her. And even though you have grown to love that person, you are just kidding yourself. You know who your heart is aching for. You know who you will be happy with.
- Someone Says

(iii)Cold Coffee Knight Part 2

I decided to give it a go. Disaster was my first thought when I have made up my mind to meet Andy. I had been cynical all this time when it comes to people like him, and I was proven wrong. It feels good when people prove you wrong.

The night was young and we still have tomorrow to celebrate life. We walked gleefully from EDSA to the not so far apartment where he currently lives. While walking we just kept on glancing at each other trying to figure things out, taking our time to wait for the heavy atmosphere of our reunion to subside. We were waiting for the correct time to deliver the punch lines, the exact time to smile and laugh and maybe the serendipitous moment to love. I let him decide what we ought to do on a night like this. We reached his apartment in no time, damn; he was a neighbor to ABS-CBN compound, where he was currently working as one of the people behind famous teleseryes of the station. It was indeed a great honor to be with the person who conceptualized the backbone story of my favorite show on TV.

He let me wait outside the apartment to avoid suspicions from his land lady, whom, according to him, by reputation was a certified chismosa. I stare at the moonlight above, how perfect this day could be, had breakfast with the couple Brix and Brian at Tagaytay, the whole stretch of the afternoon with Benedict at Trinoma and a night with my friend Andy. We had no plans yet, maybe im in to some surprise tonight.

“Tara, lets go, so where to spend the night, ikaw ang taya ha. Hehe, antagal mo na kaya ako tiniis ano.” Exclaimed Andy as he slinged his back pack on his left shoulder, smiling at me like a little boy wanting some candy.

“Sure ba, ako taya. Basta ba wag mo na ako kakagatin ulet. Hehe.” I teased. And that started it.

Since he was tonights Boss, I let him decide on the itinerary of the night. As I glanced on the big sign of the station in front of me, he has already hailed a cab that will take us to Trinoma.

The ride was quite short, in no time we were walking towards a fine dining restaurant. We sat comfortably on a table opposite two goodlooking men, that we both concluded as partners. The waiters took our order and while waiting for the food, just like a showbiz oriented talk show, we started the segment “True Confessions”.

He had loads of stories to tell, about his experiences as a writer. Being an extra for a teleserye he is currently working on also as a scriptwriter. He also showed pictures and trailers of the upcoming show he was involved. And of course the interview would not be complete if the topic about sex wasn’t involved.

“So kamusta naman ang sexlife at lovelife mo?” I discreetly asked him.

He smiled at the mention of the subject. Somehow.

“Ayos naman, pero lovelife wala, hehehe, kilala mo ba si Arthur yung taga university natin dati?” Andy asked me back.

How can I forget Kuya Art? he was a friend, a brother and im definitely a certified fan. He was the most gorgeous and one of the most loved person in the university. Like Andy, Arthur was a runner up on a university Beauty pageant, which incidentally was organized by our organization. He was not just a pretty faced gentleman, he was also very kind and husband material to girls and gays alike. Unfortunately he died young at 28. What a loss, I didn’t even had the chance to… May he rest In peace.

“Oo naman, malilimutan ko ba naman si Kuya Art, eh Crush ko yun, saying nga lang at maaga syang namatay, hindi ko man lang sya… Teka wag mong sabihin na natikman mo syang loko ka…?” I rasied my voice on the last words.

He just smiled an evil smile.

“I though he was straight? He even had a girlfriend that time, and boy, Ate Karla was so beautiful…?” I exclaimed and surprised on his revelation.

And it all comes back to me now, he has a prowess in hooking up with known figures in school, specifically with VP’s of the student council. I was a vice president once, Kuya Liam was a vice president before me and Kuya Art also. Somehow he was like a serial killer with specific targets.

“I was there during the times he needed a friend, he even invited me to come over his house a lot of times, just a pity he died young. The hospital had a malpractice that caused his early demise…” He explained with a sad tone to me, though I cant feel if he cared for him or loved him, or just maybe he had moved on, Kuya Art was 4 years resting already.

I shared little information about me and my life when we parted ways years ago, limited only to my life abroad, how hard it was to be an OFW and some tiny bit stories about Boo. He knows I have no lovelife, and i think it doesn’t matter anyway, or so I thought. I didn’t mention Benedict to him.

The dinner was served hot. We shared food like old friends that met on a lonely road. We laughed out loud when we watched a comedy film afterwards. We left the mall with a happy and thumping heart. Though the night was getting late, we weren’t finished on bonding. He invited me to have a drink at a coffee shop still in QC. Though he had previously planned to take me in a comedy bar, he wasn’t able to because there was a meeting with his co-writers late night. Thus a plan was formed. I will have to wait for him for about two hours in this coffee shop.

First Hour.

I agreed for old time’s sake. He left me with nothing to do but to scan the broadsheet in front of me. I scanned stories about politics, fashion, showbiz and more showbiz as I remember correctly. Patience was my best virture, just think of it, i had waited all my life for the person meant for me, and maybe he was the one, so two gruesome hours would be tiny compared to the years ive waited. extreme as i maybe, i will wait.

First and a half Hour.

But i hate it when people leave me behind, with no guarantee that they will come back for me or no assurance that somebody would be nice enough to find me lost in the haystack. I was a stranger in the city, i dont know what terrors were looming in the streets of Manila. But i was also an optimist that counters this grim trait.

Luckily I have Dante, on the other end of Manila, who accompanied me while waiting for Andy. We had a little chitchat over txt messaging on the goings on of the PLU world that we live in and he was very kind enough to answer questions. He was also postive enough and brushed my ego. Maybe Andy was the one for me after all the bad things that happened in the past. Maybe this was the beginning again of something new for me. Maybe in about an ahour or so, he would come back like a knight in shinig armor to pick you up where you had fallen. Maybe he has the answers to all your questions...

Maybe.

Two Hours

Two hours had past and no Andy came back. My coffee was cold and the knight was nowhere to be found. The coffee aint good anymore, the knight was never meant to have a shining armor.

To be continued...

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PULSAR

Tired and sad yesterday, my eyes didnt gave me the pleasure to sleep early, i resorted to watch a great film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But this post aint about that, this is about what happened when my eyes gave in to what i needed the most, sleep. I had a dream about two important persons. One was Joms. I cant remember what the dream was, but im quite sure it was him in that dream. Then i looked back, he was indeed precious, though we didnt have enough time to bond and form a tighter one, im just so grateful i got to know him and became a friend not only in the blogworld but in real life. I do hope hes doin great, if not fine, i know he is, he got lots of friends.


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Below was an entry posted on 15.12.07 on my blog. It brings lots of memories bout joms when we first met at Gateway. Truly magical.

“Tara mink, samahan kita…”

I needed to withdraw money from the ATM or else I cannot pay what my friends will order during our lunch date at Gateway. This distinguished guy in front of me, merrily joined me in the not so far ATM booth of the mall. I was afraid to start a conversation with him, worse I cant look directly in his alluring eyes. I have high respect on this person, maybe that’s the reason why I acted that way when I was with him, but after a few minutes or so, he made me feel what most people wanted to feel… accepted, welcomed and appreciated… But our conversation was limited only to a few subjects including Quaipo and the niceties of the place. Once in a while I glanced at his side just to take a good look, to the person who has, in one way or another, inspired me to keep on blogging. Hes none other than Joms, Pulsar, Mugen, Darkstar, Kitsune - All rolled up into one great person than I truly admire.

Joms is the first member of my blogger’s Triumvirate, worthy to be called a legendary blogger and friend. His Bloglist was the reason I knew former strangers now good friends like DK, CJ and Gripen to name a few. I even made a vague attempt to get his number and I was successful… he was very accommodating and was the first blogger I got in touched with. I even took the opportunity to add him on my friendster account and he humbly approved my request. It was such a nice feeling to have a friend, though far away, who can accept you for what you are and not for what you are worth. I give myself time to read and meditate on his posts, that gives lessons and somehow makes me realize a lot of things on the world and the life I hardly knew, the PLU world, though reading his posts drains my brain and makes my nose bleed, his posts were worthy of all the accolades on the blogworld. His countless contributions to my bloglife will always be remembered. It will always be an honor and privilege to get in touch with him, meeting him in person and being beside him was such a wonderful experience.

His nice and tall built, attractive eyes, manly skin tone, deep voice, and that appeal of respect are just few of the things I admire about him. His terrific personality signifies a person who possesses the charms, the heartwarming smile, and a helpful heart. His tremendous set of friends, including people in and out of the internet can attest to this. I was oftentimes speechless when he is around because I intend to listen first to his words. With just one look in his eyes I can see countless stories, unspoken adventures and endless tales of struggles and triumphs. Howd I wish I was a part of his victories, and I hope I was worth a penny on his presence. I have told him this so many times, and I will not falter in thanking him for contributing so many lessons that shaped what I am now.

The gateway lunchdate was such a memorable event during my vacation. He even exclaimed to me that I was so brave in telling Marvin Agustin how adorable he was, without even sounding absurd or ridiculous. Because it was the first time I saw joms, I was really amazed on how he has appreciated me as a person. He looks really cool on his outfit but beyond the covers I can see the responsibilities he have, somehow I can see myself mirrored on his personality, but neither as bold nor aggressive nor as cool as he is.

We have solidified our bond and allegiance during my despedida at MOA. Just like before, the stunning presence of joms was still there, though we had little time to be closer to each other. I hope he has felt how I am really thankful to have met him finally and how I wanted to be part of his large crowd of admirers and friends. Joms will forever hold a special place in my heart being one of the first few friends who has heard the songs of my heart.

Dear Joms,

My endless gratitude for all the help, appreciation and inspiration that you have given me. I will forever respect you as one of the reason in shaping my blog life and in turn my life beyond the keyboard and the screen of the computer. In the nine months of our friendship online, and just less than a month of blood allegiance, I hope that I have given you reasons to cherish me also as your friend. I will never ever forget how you offered me help in times of doubt and uncertainties. I do hope in the future that I have the chance to get to know you more. If ever I have been too much childish during my vacation, my apologies. Please remember that I am always here to give a helping hand to you, my friend. You will always be my paragon in blogging and in real life. Please take care of yourself, and I pray to God to give you all the blessings for you deserve them all, you are a great person, friend, son and brother to your family and to all your loving friends, me included.

A Very Happy birthday to you, my dearest Joms. I wish you all the best. I will always look forward on seeing you sometime, soon.

SUKOB NA
by 17:28
…Hinding hindi ka pababayaan na mag isa sa ulan
Aalagaan, magtatawanan, wala na itong iwanan
Sukob na halika na
Sabay tayo sa payong ko
Hawak ka, kapit pa
Umulat bumagyo…
Magkasama tayo…

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And then i knew why i dreamt of him.

TayNay

We might meet thousands of people in our life but like a vast desert, only few precious stones can be found, and once found you should never take them for granted because once lost, no other gemstone in the world could ever take their place…

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Think about how happy they were when they found out about the gift that God has given them just a few months after they became one.

How worried they were when Aling Simang, the old midwife, wasn’t able to deliver you, in their old house.

The pain that she has to go through because you have a “big head” for such a young boy, but she was stronger than you thought, she wants you to see the pretty world.

How hed defeated his fear when he was driving her and you to the place where you’ll first see the light.

How they were surprised to see your complexion that seems to resemble the color of the singkamas that she had always asked him as an appetizer when your just inside her.

How they were thrilled to welcome again another boy after a year you came to this world. And another precious one after a span of three years.

How incredible her bright face projects when she comes home from school carrying the candies that you and your younger brothers always look up at the end of the day.

How he showed all of you the wonders of nature and the importance of hard work and perseverance.

The way they answered your questions regarding the sun, the moon, the stars, why there is a need for Christmases and New Years Eve.

Their Magical giggle when they saw that you have found out that the overlarge socks you put on the windows on Christmas Eve were full of delicious candies the next morning from Santa Claus.

Their approving remarks while you were helping planting flowering plants on the backyard and helping plant sugarcane on the wide farm of your grandfather.

Their understanding words of wisdom when you lost a chess match on the district meet. They thought youd gonna cry out loud.

The way they call out “PUTIIIIIII” during dinner time, and when you hurriedly come home from an afternoon of playful activities, youll find out it wasn’t you they were calling; it was for your white dog, named Puti. They laughed hard.

How he has managed to buy you your first kitchen set and a pretty doll to boot during the plaza fair.

Their laughter when you have fully appreciated the wonderful space gun you got during a field trip at Manila. You still can hear the 10 different tones each time you press the toy gun’s trigger.

Remember the fun times you have at Manila, they showed you and your brothers huge Turtles, Dinosaurs and other creatures made out of clay, and of course the gigantic map of the Philippines carved in stone.

Their grief and sadness when they have brought you to the hospital numerous times, you were so sickly when you were young.

Their pleasant smiles at the hospital when you have told them you wanted chicken for dinner. That he had gladly bought immediately.

His terror belt sticking on your butt, proves that wrongdoings cannot be tolerated. Her warming assurance that all will be well.

Their proud smiles every time they go up the stage to pin that pretty red,blue , yellow and sometimes pink colored Ribbons on your sleeves during elementary recognition days. You were never on the top, but for them, for sure you were.

Their tremendous sacrifice when they decided you have to go to private high school.

Their unforgettable joy when someone called out your name on stage, her holding your hands while going up the platform and him taking your pictures.

Their incredible joy when you went up the stage on black robe to get your hard earned diploma, your name has an honorable adjective attached with it.

Their words of pride when speaking of their three wonderful children.

Their hugs and embraces when you have finally found your first job.

Their kisses everytime they have to leave from your apartment, going home to the bukid.

Their mixed emotions during your flight from manila to a far away land. How she cried hard and how he had comforted her. The tight embrace that has always been with you deep inside and can never be forgotten.

Their tighter hug and endearing kiss when you came back home…

Their unending love.

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If there was one thing that is true in this world full of lies, it is the truth that there will always be someone who loved you since the time when you first breathed your first oxygen. Initial moment you opened your eyes, your every first and last in this world… there will always be someone who will love and care for you no matter what. They are what you call parents.

When I was little and I asked my Inay and tatay what was the meaning of the word “family”. They answered me.

Family is Father And Mother I Love You.

And we do love them, their children, very much it hurts not being with them.

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Its their 27th wedding anniversary today. I love them both so much.

(ii) Cold Coffee (K)night

“San nga ulet tayo magkikita?” I texted Andy for the third time to confirm the place where we will meet after 5 years of not seeing each other. To rekindle our burned out flame… I don’t know…

“Mnik, See you at Mcdonalds, Quezon City, 8pm.”

The fact that he was a runner up in a university pageant when we were in college and a student leader back then, I cant seem to perceive the stupidity of this text message. To top it all, he doesn’t know the correct spelling of my name.. “Pusang gala naman, oo. There are so many Mcdonalds food chain in Quezon City, how would I know which one is the correct place.” I told myself as the train started its ascend to the north stations. Oblivious of the message I looked at my side to see that eventhough the train was crowded to the extent that people were face to face with each other, I cant help but think how alone I was.

Then out of nothing, I felt that there was something missing. I checked my back pocket – my wallet was there, the two front pockets-keys ok, some candies on the left. I checked my backpack – celphone-ok, Camera-ok, spare clothes – including the Giordano shirt from Dante, some receipts, passport-ok…. “Everything’s intact, but why do I feel this way, why do I feel that something is amiss? its odd...” I asked myself as I slowly touched my pursed lips with my right hand, going down to my neck and to my chest. Then I knew from there why I was bothered. “Oh my, this aint my heart anymore…” I whispered softly while I touched my beating heart that seems to be a stranger inside of me. “Of all people why did you chose him…?”

The conversation with my heart was interrupted by my vibrating celphone. It was Andy’s seemingly correct reply with my previous question. I think he came to his senses already and knew that there was something lacking in his previous message.

“Mnik, Mcdo, Quezon City, near MRT. See you there.”

Two things: still not quite clear and my name was misspelled again. Because my heart was mellow because of the previous calming presence of Benedict, I felt heavenly- I don’t wanna end the day in a bad way, so I don’t wanna end up arguing with somebody. Nobody will ruin this day.

Somehow I can read between Andy’s lines now, there was one Mcdonalds in Quezon Avenue, near ABS-CBN where he was currently working.

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“Quezon Avenue station…” The baritone voice announced the arrival of the train on my station. I prepared myself on the onslaught of anger and false accusations from Andy.

As I trail down my way to the fast food chain to meet Andy, I recalled our last conversation on the net which ended in an unpleasant manner- him being angry with me and accused me of things I never imagined doing to a friend. He was angry at me because I failed to meet him during my last vacation in Manila. He almost always bragged about my “so called” promises of giving him a brand new celphone, shoes and some other things that he needed during those trying times, my broken promises, that’s his weapon against me. He even told me that ive let him down so many times and he just cant accept the fact that that’s the way I repaid him, the one and only person who accepted me with all of his heart.

I sent him a message telling that I am already here and waiting. He replied that he will arrive in just a few minutes from his apartment. I entered the fast food chain; I conveniently sat on an empty table near the door, eagerly waiting for him, looking beyond the darkness of the moonless night. From this point forward, my life was a well mix up of muddy hue of my past and the blurred images of the future, how can my present survive this onslaught.

Then out of the darkness of the night, I saw him march his way to me. He came without any trace of angst or any anger in his face. Kingly as a lion in the desert, his decent can be characterized by a knight in a cold December evening, his horse, galloping his way towards the person he was about to save from the impending pandemonium. I pretended I did not see him, to pretend that I am surprised and thrilled to see him again after 5 long years, and indeed I was. When he tapped my back, strong enough to make me wince in pain, I saw him smile a caring and tender smile. He seems different; the demon that I was expecting to combat was not him, instead a kind angelic figure was in front of me. He looked younger than the last time I saw him, hes buffer now and all the excess fats were gone, he’s taller than me, and damn he looks sexy. AS I see him, his qualities were the qualities that Benedict’s lookin for a mate. “Maybe he knows where I can find letting go and moving on…” I told myself.

“Ano kamusta ka na, long time no see, kala ko nakalimutan mo na ko.” AS he told me while his left arm arched its way to my right shoulders, a gesture that Benedict will never do.

Relieved as I am, he’s not Andy that ive known in the past. The materialistic and egotistic person was all but gone. “Ok lang ako, its nice to see you again. Kumain ka naba, wag ka mag alala ako tayo ngayon.” I replied with the sweetest smile my face could ever give.

“Gwapo at macho mo na ngayon ah, crush na kita!” I exclaimed to him and I cant help but grin when I saw him smile back.

“Ikaw lang eh, iniwan mo ako. 5 years yun ah.”

It wasn’t love at second sight, but I was extremely happy that I have a friend back in my life. This was the start of the longest and most unforgettable night of my life.


To be Continued…