If You Dont Wanna Love Me

If You Don’t Wanna Love Me
James Morrison
LP: Songs For You, Truths For Me

When you lower me down,
So deep that I
I can't get out
And when you'r lost, lost and alone,
Yes, you'd think it was a last place,
You'd come back for more

If you don't want me to leave,
Then don't push me away,
Rather blow out the lights you can watch it all fade
But I'm going nowhere

I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
When you're closing you're eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
You can't push me too far
Theres no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love you

And when there's no, no storm,
Then how can I feel the calm,
If theres nothin', nothin', nothin' left to lose,
Then what is this feeling
that keeps on bringing me back to you,

So i'm gonna stay,
When you just wanna fight
And you're closin' your eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me,

Said i'm gonna stay
Oh yes I will,
You cant push me too far theres no place in my heart,
Where I dont wanna love you.

If you asked me to leave
And I walked away
We'd still be alone
And We'd still be afraid
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere

'Cause I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
When you're closing you're eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
All the tears that I've cried,
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me.

(i) Sweet Nothin', Really or Maybe

I felt oddly chirpy as I was trailing down the MRT station going to Trinoma, I cant help but realize how wonderful the day was, setting aside the polluted air that I breath, the carbon infested stairs im trudging and somehow the unpretty face of the traffic below. Maybe it was because my fare from the not so far south to Manila was free or maybe it was the wonderful time ive spent with great friends previously or the thought that im gonna meet someone special, made the bells ring.

I was running late on our meet up for the first time ever. I always make it a point to arrive at least 30 minutes early, and today it was all but trashed. Maybe it was a sign that not all heroes can do all things at once, hence being his self proclaimed Hero, I confess that Im still human and have flaws. I’m quite sure hes very hungry, I promised him that ill treat him for lunch today. Unfortunately, before our meet up was finalized, I was previously invited by a sweet couple, both good friends of mine, to have an early lunch at Max’s Tagaytay, I cant help but accept the invitation, the thing was both lunch dates were scheduled at the same day. With my heart full of stories that me, Brix and Brian shared over the festive meal, I immediately pranced my way towards the nearest Starbucks, our regular meet up place, for me to meet the lunch deprived Benedict. He knew very well that I would be late, but I still feel guilty that I had that very fulfilling lunch with friends while he waited for me with an empty stomach. I do hope he did not feel that he was least of my priorities.

“I’m here already, where are you?” were the words that I instantly typed on my mobile phone as I sped my way to the meeting place. The mall was quite busy today, being weekends. Within a minute or two my phone vibrated and it was Benedict’s message “Dito lang ako sa Data Blitz, may tinitingnan lang. Wait for me there, im on my way.”

I eagerly waited for him, I dare not follow him to Data Blitz coz I don’t know where exactly was that shop. After a few minutes have passed, there he was, carried by the escalator towards me. He looks a little frail and delicate, still the inexplicable aura that he possess lingers on his physique as he trail down like a model in a catwalk. Benedict’s simple get up of plain t-shirt and worn out jeans cannot hide his good looks and endearing personality.

When he was just meters away from me, my heart was telling me to hug him tightly for me to show how much I missed him, the fact that it was only a few days ago that we last met each other. “Do I look good enough for him?” I asked myself as I saw him checking me out, “probably my fashion wasn’t that good at all". Inches away from him, I managed to just tap his shoulder two times, like what I always do to friends. “Im Sorry, im so late… im sure your hungry, lets go grab some plate..?” I said excitedly as ever. “San mo gusto?”

I can decide for myself, that’s true, but if im with someone else, I tend to favor the things that certain someone likes, and definitely ill love it too… That’s why im no good in choosing a place to eat, moreover what to eat, when situations like this occur…

He was also clueless to where we will eat, we surveyed the crowded mall and to no avail all fastfood chains were occupied, I planned to take him to fine dining resto, but my budget doesnt allowed me, so after sometime, Benedict decided to eat on Tokyo Tokyo. It was my first time in Tokyo Tokyo, so I wasn’t familiar with anything that they were offering. AS per Benedict’s knowledge, their Tonkatsu was the best so we settled for Two set of Pork Tonkatsu’s with rice and Chocolate Mousse for desert.

And there we were, me facing him, him eating my heart out. Sometimes I ask myself why someone falls for another if they are not really meant for each other…? It just don’t make any sense at all. You find a treasure, in front of you, you wanted to keep it, but it wasn’t meant for you but for another person... How can someone who just happened to give you an extra smile, a tighter hug, a firmer handshake and a bonus closeness own your stupid heart as faster than the service of Tokyo Tokyo. The Pork Tonkatsu was good and the Mousse was sweet, really. But was there any chance that me and him be sweeter than this mousse..? maybe

“Why arent you eating?” He asked me as he lifted his face up to face mine as I slowly memorize the contours of his face.

“Actually I finished my lunch already with Brix and Brian. Remember them?” I bit my lips hoping that he wont be jealous that I prioritized them instead of him, my best friend.

“Ahh, yeah right, i do hope they’re fine.” He smiled at me as he was enjoying his lunch, me enjoying the time im spending with him. It seems that all problems that I have, vanishes when im with him, no worries on life existed when im with him, no crisis was permanent when I think of his smiles, his taps on my shoulder. I just wish I can steal more time from him for me, to satiate my hunger for love, peace and tranquility.

But our time was limited. We live in a world separated by distance & time. He has his own problems to deal with and I have my own world to survive in. How was I foolish enough to think that there was a possibility that here in the fast food chain that we were currently face to face, he would tell me how much important my presence means to him, how much he craved to hold me in his arms and whisper the things I always wanted to hear from him. But I knew all along, right from the first time I saw the shadow of his eyes, that he loved someone else, his precious one, the treasure of his life, and I will just be an ordinary pearl in the sea of oysters… But eventhough I knew that this feelings will open up my heart to enormous pain, that same love also heals me from it. How ironic that would be, and when will I wake up from this dream which will never come true… ?

After ordering two more extra rice, ive shared mine to him, I laughed so loud, the moment he finished all four cups. Two things, Benedict was starving or that’s the correct amount food intake his stomach can digest. I didn’t ate as much as him, but im very sure im much fuller than him, the heart that is.

I had another meet up that night, I have told him time and again about the person whom im gonna meet, Andy. I was just hoping that he would say "no" to this next meet up. But he insisted that I should go. Maybe he was hoping that the next counter would be the one who will accept me and my excess baggages, or maybe he cares enough for me and lets me wander around and not be confined with his presence or maybe he wants me to enjoy the life that I have for now or maybe he wants to push me away so that he can also be free from me.

I was overanalyzing the situation again.

I know our time was short so I have taken the priveledge to ride the MRT with Benedict on his way home, from north to south, eventhough Andy was waiting for me on the MRT one station up north. Riding with him, my right shoulder touching his left shoulder meant a lot to me. It was those intimate moment that I never dreamed would come true… We talked a lot, laughed a lot, giggled a lot, like what true friends do...

The train stopped, and its parting time again, we tapped each others shoulder, bid our pleasant goodbyes,

"If something turn out wrong tonight between you and Andy, just give me a call, and ill be there, ok?" He told me as he sealed the question with a smile.

"Ok, take care of yourself..."

He turned his back away from me… I do hope the next food chain of the night would erase the pain that was now overwhelming me. Maybe Andy knows the fast food chain where I can find moving on and letting go for free.

---

i think that the only reason people hold on to memories so tight is because memories are the only things that don't change, when everybody else does....- Anon"

FAST FOOD CHAIN: Prologue

He has already requested me what he wanted and it was my job to give our orders to the attendant in the counter. When it comes to choosing which is best for both of us, I always takes his advice, the thing that he craves the most, and automatically that would also be my most favorite in the world. Those which makes the people I love happy, makes me happier.

There were three counters, all occupied simultaneously by three different individuals. In three different choices, ill only be second in line, never the priority. I guess it’s the unending rule of life: First Come, First Served.

But does that rule apply also for love? Is the lover before you more precious?

Is choosing the person we will love truly as easy as choosing food from the enumerated and sometimes pictured delicacies printed on the illuminated signages in the counter of a fast food chain?

Can love be developed, prepared and served as quickly as the food prepared and served in a fast food chain?

Can we find true love in the person in front of us, the one who is happily eating your heart out, the unique individual that life destined you to be sharing this very special moment?

And after what has been said and done…

Can we buy “letting go” and “moving on” in the same fast food chain where we have experienced love- which was free…?


----
Next:
(i) Tokyo Tokyo

(ii) Starbucks

(iii) Yellow Cab

(iv) McDonalds

(v) Jollibee

The Start of An Arabian End

Ever since I came back three months ago from vacation, I was considering on quitting my job here abroad and try my luck back home. Basically, it would be a courageous move for me, since I do not have a single peso on any bank anywhere in the world and of course my wallet is just as shy as the one holding him. But in life, courage is one thing, uncertainty is another. So I would try my luck based on pure instincts, and all the while Mr. Instinct is telling me just to wait a few more moments before considering any plans, since, the future is fluid and anything can change.

I received a sign already that my stint here in the middle east is coming to an end. I clearly recall the reason why I ended up here as an OFW. It was purely chance, and of course a tremendous choice. I was happy in my previous work, if not for the generous amount of money waiting for me in the scorching desert I wouldn’t wanna be separated from my work there. I wonder what could have happened if I did not left the Philippines:

1. Instead of Lora, my classmate that I have previously recommended in the company, I would have been the supervisor of the company’s laboratory now, salary amounting a generous 20 thousand pesos with just minimal work responsibilities. (well true enough, but as I look at myself now, I gained a star in my resume, proved to myself and to my terror Boss that I am a company asset and more money to help loved ones, and when I mean help, it means HELP! So its not really bad, I ended up here)

2. My officemate, and I would have been celebrating our 3rd year together. WE had our share of intimate moments. Yeah right, because I chose to be away, we never had the chance to cross the bridge together. (I can never call him an ex for there was never “US”, but in case I stayed, for sure we’d end up together, and the rejections that I have gone through would’ve have scarred me… still the important thing here is I learned more than I deserved, I knew how much I can give, not wanting anything in return, and im so thankful for that… in time, ill heal. Joms is right, someone out there is ready to share his umbrella for me)

3. I could have enjoyed every summer in Bora, or every Christmas with loved ones or the Gimiks at bars and disco’s and reunions at Puerto Galera, Cebu and Bagiou. (me as a person would have enjoyed, while my family, still waiting to be happy… im glad their living a good life now, because of me and my brothers, their children. Sacrifice was indeed worth it.)

4. I could have spared my early twenties, surfing the net. Have EB’s all day long or just roam and invade bath houses in the metro. (luckily my innocence was preserved, I still long for that love at first sight or the ever famous “spark”)

5. And I could have enjoyed my life to its fullest and not be here, contemplating the what ifs of the previous years. (nah, but I think its time to find myself)

After all that happened and could have happened, I never regretted anything at all. I do think, instead of cruising a materialistic and selfish road, I chose a humble one. Where I learned that happiness can be obtained only thru giving, and when you are giving your all, you have attained a different level of personality that can never be found in Boracay or in Bars and discos, or in any tagayan sessions, whether it be in Cebu or Bagiou. Though there is one major drawback: I felt incomplete, I lost myself and finding it again is major hard. Dr. Magsasaka was indeed correct when he said “Love yourself before others can love you”

As I look at myself now, im strong, empty-yes, but strong enough to face every waking day. But I will never regret anything that happened to me after I have decided to leave the Philippines. There were some losses, but I gained more.

Let go and be happy. But sad to say, im not ready yet – to let go to something that makes the lives of my loved ones easy, how can I be happy if I see their future uncertain? Nevertheless I have laid the following plans, and maybe the moment the plan was put in motion and the time the visions and missions are already complete, ill say to myself: “Well Done Cowboy!”

Here’s my Conscience’s plan:

1. Since you feel a bit lonely. Just imagine that every night of your life, its only Willie Revillame and his program waiting for you in your room. Ill give you a chance to buy a new laptop since you gladly gave your old one to your brother and your game console to your other brother, your 3G phone to your parents. I do hope a new gadget will make your room a little bit homey.

2. Open a new bank account, I know you have a phobia with regards to Bank, I think its time for you to trust them again 1 more time. Don’t let your inquisitive mind spend all your hard worked money inside the cabinet.

3. Master playing your new baby: your acoustic guitar. I know you love to sing.

4. Pay all your debts, and help your loved one(s) in need.

5. Finish constructing your house, your Inay would love to see the floor and the bathroom “tiled”

6. I know your lazy, but a lil exercise will do, or else, market value will dwindle.

After two years…

7. By the end of November 2011, you already have saved 1 million pesos on your bank account. Then its time to go home you young millionaire. lols

8. After 26 years of having no relationships, 28 is a good year to start a serious long one, unless otherwise someone came along and LDR is a go.

9. I know your planning to buy a car, its not wise, you don’t know how to drive, instead invest your money on business: since lil bro is taking up computer related course, an internet café is a good start.

10. Its your dream to work in Makati? Think Again Don’t be fooled by the cute dresses and suits, First and foremost, after your stint in the middle east, try to find a job related to your course, it would be a waste on your track record if you ended up as a call center agent. Try multinational Food or drug companies or government agencies, otherwise, Medical transcriptionist or teaching is a go.

11. While working, take masteral units, preferably in UP, so that fees will not be that big. Ask Dr. Magsasaka for any suggestions

12. While working your ass and grinding your brain again on your daily activities, try to socialize, it wont hurt to have some fun.

---

Sabi kasi ni Mr. Instinct, na kalimitan ay tama, “hintay hintay lang ng kaunti pang panahon para naman maabot mo ang dapat maabot, malayo pa ang lalakbayin, pero kakayanin mo yan for sure.” Sabi ko naman sa kanya, “pagod na ko eh, hanggang saan pa ba dadalhin tayo ng ating mga paa, paano natin malalaman kung narating na natin ang paroroonan? Eh tutal sinabi mo, sige na nga, basta samahan mo ako, wag mo ko iiwan”.

"...and ill never be the same again"

Sabi ni Idol, maswerte raw ang mamahalin ko kasi binibigay ko daw lahat kahit wala nang natitira. Nakakakwentuhan ko kasi siya malimit tungkol sa buhay buhay at malamang sa hindi, tungkol sa lovelife ko ang topic. Sa totoong buhay dalawang beses pa lamang ako umibig ng todo.

Yung una, ikakasal na siya ngayong Abril. Siya ang naging, kumbaga, “ideal” para sa akin, unless otherwise hindi nya ka level, lahat ng aspeto ng pagkatao, hindi ako mahuhulog at magkakagusto basta basta. Matagal kong nilihim sa kanya ang pag – ibig na iyon, para lamang I reject, at muling bigyan ng pag-asa, at para lamang I reject ulit. Hanggang sa nagsawa na akong magbigay ng pagmamahal, napapagod din pala ang puso.

Si ikalawa, kabaliktaran sya ni una. Mahirap maipaliwanag pero may malaking pagkakaiba sa kanilang dalawa. Pero doble ang pagmamahal ko kay ikalawa. Love at first sight ang nangyrai sa amin ni Una, pero kay ikalawa, gradwal ang proseso, pero mas intense habang nagtatagal. Kay ikalawa ko tinupad ang pangakong hindi kailanman siya mag-iisa, at yun nga naman ang nangyari. Ngunit, mahal na mahal niya ang isa ko ring kaibigan. At sa hinaba haba ng pagsasama namin ni ikalawa, alam ko sa KANYA lamang siya liligaya. Alam ko simula palang ng laban talo na kagad ako. Hindi naman sa panalo at talo yun eh, "its how you play the game...". Kay ikalawa, nabago ang takbo ng buhay ko, sabihin lang niyang manatili na lamang ako sa Pilipinas, gagawin ko.

Pero hanggang kailan ba ako magbibigay ng pagmamahal, paubos na kasi ang tubig sa malalim kong balon?

Mukhang galit si Una sa akin, kasi, inaasahan niya akong tutulungan siyang mapaganda ang kasal nila ng kanyang kabiyak. Si ikalawa, ibibigay ko ang lahat, kahit walang kapalit. Natanong ko tuloy sa sarili ko, ako na lang ba lagi ang nagbibigay ng pagmamahal? Nakakapagod din pala, hindi ba nila naisip kung gaano sila kaswerte, tulad nga ng sabi sa akin ni IDOL parati.

Pero paano naman ako, kung ubos na ang tubig sa balon ko? Matutuyo ako, sino naman kaya ang magpupuno ulit noon…?

Kahit gaano man katagal ang paghihintay ko, kung talagang itim ang uwak, hindi na ito magiging puti. Sabi ko nga kay Idol dati, hinihintay ko ang panahong haharap ako kay ikalawa na hindi na siya ang laman ng puso ko. Nahirapan kasi akong tagpian ang butas na ginawa ni UNA sa puso ko, at mukhang mahihirapan na naman akong pasakan ang bagong butas sa madugong laman na nasa dibdib ko.

Pero sa dulo ng daang tatahakin ko, ang tangi kong pangarap lamang ay Makita siyang masaya at ligtas. Ok na akong nakamasid sa kanya habang tumatawa kasama ng taong tunay niyang mahal.

Alam ko madrama na naman ako. Palagi naman. Naisip ko lang yung sinabi ni Idol, maswerte nga ba sila sa akin o malas lang ako at sila ang minahal ko…?

I think im ready to move on…

“Thank you for everything, you changed my life… Tsaka what I feel for you is a very special love… Yakk ang korni! Hehe”
-Mink to ikalawa

Payong

Mataas ang sikat ng araw, ngunit ang init na dulot nitoy nakakapagpalubag loob sa aking pusong nanlalamig. Sa panahon ng tag-araw dumating ka sa aking buhay, una pa lamang kitang nakita kakaibang init na kagad ang naramdaman ko, mas matindi pa ang dulot nito kaysa sa ligayang dulot ng haring araw, mas maningning pa ang kinang ng iyong presensya kaysa sa pilak sa gitna ng arawan. Saya ng dulot ng tag-araw, hindi kinakailngang magbilad sa sikat ng araw, maraming puno ang magkakanlong sa atin, habang ngiti at tawa mo ang aking lagging pinagmamasdan. Sa tag-araw natin nakita ang ligaya ng buhay, at noon ko napagtanto na ikaw na nga ang nais kong kasukob sa papalapit na unos.

Dumating ang tag ulan, magkasama pa rin tayo. Pilit ko mang iwaksi ang damdamin ko sa iyo, mukhang tuluyan na akong nahulog sa iyo, hindi ito mapipigilan tulad ng ulan sa kanyang pagpatak sa uhaw na lupa. Pilit ko mang pigilin ito, ngunit ang tangi ko lang magagawa ay pagmasdan ang mala-likidong diamante na pumapatak… isa, dalawa, hanggang laksa laksang tumulo, para bang lumuluha ang langit. Lumalakas ang buhos ng ulan, nakatago na rin ang haring araw. Pinangako ko sa iyo na palagi kitang dadamayan sa lahat, iyon ang pangakong aking tutuparin. Nababasa ka na ng ulan. Nilapitan kita at pinasukob sa aking payong, ngumiti ka…

"Sukob na, Halika na

Sabay tayo sa PAYONG ko,

Yakap ka, kapit pa

Umulat Bumagyo,

magkasama tayong Dalawa..."

Kasukob kita sa aking payong, nililingon kita sa bawat saglit upang matiyak na hindi ka nababasa ng ulan. Sa liit ng payong ko, natutuwa ako at nagpupumilit tayong manatiling tuyo sa gitna ng bugso ng panahon… Ngunit mukhang lumalakas ang hangin pinilit kong igawi sa iyong bahagi ang kabuuan ng payong, di baleng nababasa ako ng ulan bastat nakikita kitang tuyo at ligtas, maligaya at umiibig. malamig na pakiramdam ang dulot ng malungkot na ulan... Tila may hinahanap ka sa malayong dako, hindi mo nakikitang nababasa na ako, pero wala yun sa akin, hindi mo man ako nililingon, masaya ako at kahit ilang saglit ay nakasama kita. Sa anino ng iyong mga mata, napagtanto kong siya pa rin pala talaga ang mahal mo.

Dumating na ang hinihintay mo, at nasa kabilang kalye sya, hinihintay ka… Sinabi ko sa iyong OK lang… Tinawid mo ang kalsada at dala dala ang payong ko, sa iyo naman talaga yan eh, simula pa lang, sa iyo ko na inialay ang napakahalagang bagay na iyan. Basa na ako sa ulan, nilingon mo ako at nakitang nakatingala, nginitian kita at sinabing “mag-ingat kayong dalawa, huwag kang mag-alala sa akin”, kasunod ang isang ngiti… Nakita mo kaya na sa kabila ng ngiting iyon, tumutulo ang luha ko sa gitna ng ulang pumapatak sa aking mukha?