Broke

Remember me,
With a grin upon my face…
So you’ll understand
I cherish all the things weve shared
Don’t forget that im,
Always here when you are down
Just cry out loud
So I can feel im still alive

Coz baby I am vanishing
Cant blame the wind
And don’t try to pretend
You need me there
Coz baby im driftin away
Melted by rain
It seems that you don’t even know
I started vanishing

-Mink

---

What would you do if the only person who could make you stop crying is the person who makes you cry?

- Anon

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peOple haVe tHe frEEdom tO lOve. To cHoose who We giVe oUr heArtS tO. bUt, wHat'S tHe uSe oF thIs frEedOm...iF tHe pErsOn yOu Love, aLso hAs thE fReeDom nOt to LovE yOu bAcK

- from a friendster account shout out

---

Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion — nothing, but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
- Yvaine played by Claire Danes (Stardust)

---

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
- Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

---

I sped and caught up with her as she entered the kitchen. "...Thank you nga pala," I tried to say. I must've muttered some of the syllables because she seemed to take an eternity to reply. "Baket?" she asked as she poured coffee into the 2 mugs beside the 2 plates on the small kitchen table.
"For waking me up," I said. She smiled at me. Suddenly it doesn't feel like its too cold out anymore.
- Aldrin (www.maidinmakati.blogspot.com)

---

When you build your future around a particular person, definitely that means one major preparation. You have to plan, project, design and envision all the steps to make it better if not the best life there is. But when you realize that the person whom you envisioned to share the fortress that you ve been trying to build, brick by brick, doesn’t build his future around you, then…
- Mink's unfinished post

---

"And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!"
- Iris Simpkons, played by Kate Winslet (The Holiday)

---

Would I leave the person who were there during the worst time of my life and help me start over just to be with the person I love? No matter how I would like to put it, there is only one answer that my futile, stubborn, rush, and irrational mind. Yes I will. I mean, there is no point at all in being in a relationship with someone if the only reason you are with that person is because you owe him/her. And even though you have grown to love that person, you are just kidding yourself. You know who your heart is aching for. You know who you will be happy with.
- Someone Says

(iii)Cold Coffee Knight Part 2

I decided to give it a go. Disaster was my first thought when I have made up my mind to meet Andy. I had been cynical all this time when it comes to people like him, and I was proven wrong. It feels good when people prove you wrong.

The night was young and we still have tomorrow to celebrate life. We walked gleefully from EDSA to the not so far apartment where he currently lives. While walking we just kept on glancing at each other trying to figure things out, taking our time to wait for the heavy atmosphere of our reunion to subside. We were waiting for the correct time to deliver the punch lines, the exact time to smile and laugh and maybe the serendipitous moment to love. I let him decide what we ought to do on a night like this. We reached his apartment in no time, damn; he was a neighbor to ABS-CBN compound, where he was currently working as one of the people behind famous teleseryes of the station. It was indeed a great honor to be with the person who conceptualized the backbone story of my favorite show on TV.

He let me wait outside the apartment to avoid suspicions from his land lady, whom, according to him, by reputation was a certified chismosa. I stare at the moonlight above, how perfect this day could be, had breakfast with the couple Brix and Brian at Tagaytay, the whole stretch of the afternoon with Benedict at Trinoma and a night with my friend Andy. We had no plans yet, maybe im in to some surprise tonight.

“Tara, lets go, so where to spend the night, ikaw ang taya ha. Hehe, antagal mo na kaya ako tiniis ano.” Exclaimed Andy as he slinged his back pack on his left shoulder, smiling at me like a little boy wanting some candy.

“Sure ba, ako taya. Basta ba wag mo na ako kakagatin ulet. Hehe.” I teased. And that started it.

Since he was tonights Boss, I let him decide on the itinerary of the night. As I glanced on the big sign of the station in front of me, he has already hailed a cab that will take us to Trinoma.

The ride was quite short, in no time we were walking towards a fine dining restaurant. We sat comfortably on a table opposite two goodlooking men, that we both concluded as partners. The waiters took our order and while waiting for the food, just like a showbiz oriented talk show, we started the segment “True Confessions”.

He had loads of stories to tell, about his experiences as a writer. Being an extra for a teleserye he is currently working on also as a scriptwriter. He also showed pictures and trailers of the upcoming show he was involved. And of course the interview would not be complete if the topic about sex wasn’t involved.

“So kamusta naman ang sexlife at lovelife mo?” I discreetly asked him.

He smiled at the mention of the subject. Somehow.

“Ayos naman, pero lovelife wala, hehehe, kilala mo ba si Arthur yung taga university natin dati?” Andy asked me back.

How can I forget Kuya Art? he was a friend, a brother and im definitely a certified fan. He was the most gorgeous and one of the most loved person in the university. Like Andy, Arthur was a runner up on a university Beauty pageant, which incidentally was organized by our organization. He was not just a pretty faced gentleman, he was also very kind and husband material to girls and gays alike. Unfortunately he died young at 28. What a loss, I didn’t even had the chance to… May he rest In peace.

“Oo naman, malilimutan ko ba naman si Kuya Art, eh Crush ko yun, saying nga lang at maaga syang namatay, hindi ko man lang sya… Teka wag mong sabihin na natikman mo syang loko ka…?” I rasied my voice on the last words.

He just smiled an evil smile.

“I though he was straight? He even had a girlfriend that time, and boy, Ate Karla was so beautiful…?” I exclaimed and surprised on his revelation.

And it all comes back to me now, he has a prowess in hooking up with known figures in school, specifically with VP’s of the student council. I was a vice president once, Kuya Liam was a vice president before me and Kuya Art also. Somehow he was like a serial killer with specific targets.

“I was there during the times he needed a friend, he even invited me to come over his house a lot of times, just a pity he died young. The hospital had a malpractice that caused his early demise…” He explained with a sad tone to me, though I cant feel if he cared for him or loved him, or just maybe he had moved on, Kuya Art was 4 years resting already.

I shared little information about me and my life when we parted ways years ago, limited only to my life abroad, how hard it was to be an OFW and some tiny bit stories about Boo. He knows I have no lovelife, and i think it doesn’t matter anyway, or so I thought. I didn’t mention Benedict to him.

The dinner was served hot. We shared food like old friends that met on a lonely road. We laughed out loud when we watched a comedy film afterwards. We left the mall with a happy and thumping heart. Though the night was getting late, we weren’t finished on bonding. He invited me to have a drink at a coffee shop still in QC. Though he had previously planned to take me in a comedy bar, he wasn’t able to because there was a meeting with his co-writers late night. Thus a plan was formed. I will have to wait for him for about two hours in this coffee shop.

First Hour.

I agreed for old time’s sake. He left me with nothing to do but to scan the broadsheet in front of me. I scanned stories about politics, fashion, showbiz and more showbiz as I remember correctly. Patience was my best virture, just think of it, i had waited all my life for the person meant for me, and maybe he was the one, so two gruesome hours would be tiny compared to the years ive waited. extreme as i maybe, i will wait.

First and a half Hour.

But i hate it when people leave me behind, with no guarantee that they will come back for me or no assurance that somebody would be nice enough to find me lost in the haystack. I was a stranger in the city, i dont know what terrors were looming in the streets of Manila. But i was also an optimist that counters this grim trait.

Luckily I have Dante, on the other end of Manila, who accompanied me while waiting for Andy. We had a little chitchat over txt messaging on the goings on of the PLU world that we live in and he was very kind enough to answer questions. He was also postive enough and brushed my ego. Maybe Andy was the one for me after all the bad things that happened in the past. Maybe this was the beginning again of something new for me. Maybe in about an ahour or so, he would come back like a knight in shinig armor to pick you up where you had fallen. Maybe he has the answers to all your questions...

Maybe.

Two Hours

Two hours had past and no Andy came back. My coffee was cold and the knight was nowhere to be found. The coffee aint good anymore, the knight was never meant to have a shining armor.

To be continued...

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PULSAR

Tired and sad yesterday, my eyes didnt gave me the pleasure to sleep early, i resorted to watch a great film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But this post aint about that, this is about what happened when my eyes gave in to what i needed the most, sleep. I had a dream about two important persons. One was Joms. I cant remember what the dream was, but im quite sure it was him in that dream. Then i looked back, he was indeed precious, though we didnt have enough time to bond and form a tighter one, im just so grateful i got to know him and became a friend not only in the blogworld but in real life. I do hope hes doin great, if not fine, i know he is, he got lots of friends.


---

Below was an entry posted on 15.12.07 on my blog. It brings lots of memories bout joms when we first met at Gateway. Truly magical.

“Tara mink, samahan kita…”

I needed to withdraw money from the ATM or else I cannot pay what my friends will order during our lunch date at Gateway. This distinguished guy in front of me, merrily joined me in the not so far ATM booth of the mall. I was afraid to start a conversation with him, worse I cant look directly in his alluring eyes. I have high respect on this person, maybe that’s the reason why I acted that way when I was with him, but after a few minutes or so, he made me feel what most people wanted to feel… accepted, welcomed and appreciated… But our conversation was limited only to a few subjects including Quaipo and the niceties of the place. Once in a while I glanced at his side just to take a good look, to the person who has, in one way or another, inspired me to keep on blogging. Hes none other than Joms, Pulsar, Mugen, Darkstar, Kitsune - All rolled up into one great person than I truly admire.

Joms is the first member of my blogger’s Triumvirate, worthy to be called a legendary blogger and friend. His Bloglist was the reason I knew former strangers now good friends like DK, CJ and Gripen to name a few. I even made a vague attempt to get his number and I was successful… he was very accommodating and was the first blogger I got in touched with. I even took the opportunity to add him on my friendster account and he humbly approved my request. It was such a nice feeling to have a friend, though far away, who can accept you for what you are and not for what you are worth. I give myself time to read and meditate on his posts, that gives lessons and somehow makes me realize a lot of things on the world and the life I hardly knew, the PLU world, though reading his posts drains my brain and makes my nose bleed, his posts were worthy of all the accolades on the blogworld. His countless contributions to my bloglife will always be remembered. It will always be an honor and privilege to get in touch with him, meeting him in person and being beside him was such a wonderful experience.

His nice and tall built, attractive eyes, manly skin tone, deep voice, and that appeal of respect are just few of the things I admire about him. His terrific personality signifies a person who possesses the charms, the heartwarming smile, and a helpful heart. His tremendous set of friends, including people in and out of the internet can attest to this. I was oftentimes speechless when he is around because I intend to listen first to his words. With just one look in his eyes I can see countless stories, unspoken adventures and endless tales of struggles and triumphs. Howd I wish I was a part of his victories, and I hope I was worth a penny on his presence. I have told him this so many times, and I will not falter in thanking him for contributing so many lessons that shaped what I am now.

The gateway lunchdate was such a memorable event during my vacation. He even exclaimed to me that I was so brave in telling Marvin Agustin how adorable he was, without even sounding absurd or ridiculous. Because it was the first time I saw joms, I was really amazed on how he has appreciated me as a person. He looks really cool on his outfit but beyond the covers I can see the responsibilities he have, somehow I can see myself mirrored on his personality, but neither as bold nor aggressive nor as cool as he is.

We have solidified our bond and allegiance during my despedida at MOA. Just like before, the stunning presence of joms was still there, though we had little time to be closer to each other. I hope he has felt how I am really thankful to have met him finally and how I wanted to be part of his large crowd of admirers and friends. Joms will forever hold a special place in my heart being one of the first few friends who has heard the songs of my heart.

Dear Joms,

My endless gratitude for all the help, appreciation and inspiration that you have given me. I will forever respect you as one of the reason in shaping my blog life and in turn my life beyond the keyboard and the screen of the computer. In the nine months of our friendship online, and just less than a month of blood allegiance, I hope that I have given you reasons to cherish me also as your friend. I will never ever forget how you offered me help in times of doubt and uncertainties. I do hope in the future that I have the chance to get to know you more. If ever I have been too much childish during my vacation, my apologies. Please remember that I am always here to give a helping hand to you, my friend. You will always be my paragon in blogging and in real life. Please take care of yourself, and I pray to God to give you all the blessings for you deserve them all, you are a great person, friend, son and brother to your family and to all your loving friends, me included.

A Very Happy birthday to you, my dearest Joms. I wish you all the best. I will always look forward on seeing you sometime, soon.

SUKOB NA
by 17:28
…Hinding hindi ka pababayaan na mag isa sa ulan
Aalagaan, magtatawanan, wala na itong iwanan
Sukob na halika na
Sabay tayo sa payong ko
Hawak ka, kapit pa
Umulat bumagyo…
Magkasama tayo…

---

And then i knew why i dreamt of him.

TayNay

We might meet thousands of people in our life but like a vast desert, only few precious stones can be found, and once found you should never take them for granted because once lost, no other gemstone in the world could ever take their place…

---

Think about how happy they were when they found out about the gift that God has given them just a few months after they became one.

How worried they were when Aling Simang, the old midwife, wasn’t able to deliver you, in their old house.

The pain that she has to go through because you have a “big head” for such a young boy, but she was stronger than you thought, she wants you to see the pretty world.

How hed defeated his fear when he was driving her and you to the place where you’ll first see the light.

How they were surprised to see your complexion that seems to resemble the color of the singkamas that she had always asked him as an appetizer when your just inside her.

How they were thrilled to welcome again another boy after a year you came to this world. And another precious one after a span of three years.

How incredible her bright face projects when she comes home from school carrying the candies that you and your younger brothers always look up at the end of the day.

How he showed all of you the wonders of nature and the importance of hard work and perseverance.

The way they answered your questions regarding the sun, the moon, the stars, why there is a need for Christmases and New Years Eve.

Their Magical giggle when they saw that you have found out that the overlarge socks you put on the windows on Christmas Eve were full of delicious candies the next morning from Santa Claus.

Their approving remarks while you were helping planting flowering plants on the backyard and helping plant sugarcane on the wide farm of your grandfather.

Their understanding words of wisdom when you lost a chess match on the district meet. They thought youd gonna cry out loud.

The way they call out “PUTIIIIIII” during dinner time, and when you hurriedly come home from an afternoon of playful activities, youll find out it wasn’t you they were calling; it was for your white dog, named Puti. They laughed hard.

How he has managed to buy you your first kitchen set and a pretty doll to boot during the plaza fair.

Their laughter when you have fully appreciated the wonderful space gun you got during a field trip at Manila. You still can hear the 10 different tones each time you press the toy gun’s trigger.

Remember the fun times you have at Manila, they showed you and your brothers huge Turtles, Dinosaurs and other creatures made out of clay, and of course the gigantic map of the Philippines carved in stone.

Their grief and sadness when they have brought you to the hospital numerous times, you were so sickly when you were young.

Their pleasant smiles at the hospital when you have told them you wanted chicken for dinner. That he had gladly bought immediately.

His terror belt sticking on your butt, proves that wrongdoings cannot be tolerated. Her warming assurance that all will be well.

Their proud smiles every time they go up the stage to pin that pretty red,blue , yellow and sometimes pink colored Ribbons on your sleeves during elementary recognition days. You were never on the top, but for them, for sure you were.

Their tremendous sacrifice when they decided you have to go to private high school.

Their unforgettable joy when someone called out your name on stage, her holding your hands while going up the platform and him taking your pictures.

Their incredible joy when you went up the stage on black robe to get your hard earned diploma, your name has an honorable adjective attached with it.

Their words of pride when speaking of their three wonderful children.

Their hugs and embraces when you have finally found your first job.

Their kisses everytime they have to leave from your apartment, going home to the bukid.

Their mixed emotions during your flight from manila to a far away land. How she cried hard and how he had comforted her. The tight embrace that has always been with you deep inside and can never be forgotten.

Their tighter hug and endearing kiss when you came back home…

Their unending love.

---

If there was one thing that is true in this world full of lies, it is the truth that there will always be someone who loved you since the time when you first breathed your first oxygen. Initial moment you opened your eyes, your every first and last in this world… there will always be someone who will love and care for you no matter what. They are what you call parents.

When I was little and I asked my Inay and tatay what was the meaning of the word “family”. They answered me.

Family is Father And Mother I Love You.

And we do love them, their children, very much it hurts not being with them.

---

Its their 27th wedding anniversary today. I love them both so much.

(ii) Cold Coffee (K)night

“San nga ulet tayo magkikita?” I texted Andy for the third time to confirm the place where we will meet after 5 years of not seeing each other. To rekindle our burned out flame… I don’t know…

“Mnik, See you at Mcdonalds, Quezon City, 8pm.”

The fact that he was a runner up in a university pageant when we were in college and a student leader back then, I cant seem to perceive the stupidity of this text message. To top it all, he doesn’t know the correct spelling of my name.. “Pusang gala naman, oo. There are so many Mcdonalds food chain in Quezon City, how would I know which one is the correct place.” I told myself as the train started its ascend to the north stations. Oblivious of the message I looked at my side to see that eventhough the train was crowded to the extent that people were face to face with each other, I cant help but think how alone I was.

Then out of nothing, I felt that there was something missing. I checked my back pocket – my wallet was there, the two front pockets-keys ok, some candies on the left. I checked my backpack – celphone-ok, Camera-ok, spare clothes – including the Giordano shirt from Dante, some receipts, passport-ok…. “Everything’s intact, but why do I feel this way, why do I feel that something is amiss? its odd...” I asked myself as I slowly touched my pursed lips with my right hand, going down to my neck and to my chest. Then I knew from there why I was bothered. “Oh my, this aint my heart anymore…” I whispered softly while I touched my beating heart that seems to be a stranger inside of me. “Of all people why did you chose him…?”

The conversation with my heart was interrupted by my vibrating celphone. It was Andy’s seemingly correct reply with my previous question. I think he came to his senses already and knew that there was something lacking in his previous message.

“Mnik, Mcdo, Quezon City, near MRT. See you there.”

Two things: still not quite clear and my name was misspelled again. Because my heart was mellow because of the previous calming presence of Benedict, I felt heavenly- I don’t wanna end the day in a bad way, so I don’t wanna end up arguing with somebody. Nobody will ruin this day.

Somehow I can read between Andy’s lines now, there was one Mcdonalds in Quezon Avenue, near ABS-CBN where he was currently working.

---

“Quezon Avenue station…” The baritone voice announced the arrival of the train on my station. I prepared myself on the onslaught of anger and false accusations from Andy.

As I trail down my way to the fast food chain to meet Andy, I recalled our last conversation on the net which ended in an unpleasant manner- him being angry with me and accused me of things I never imagined doing to a friend. He was angry at me because I failed to meet him during my last vacation in Manila. He almost always bragged about my “so called” promises of giving him a brand new celphone, shoes and some other things that he needed during those trying times, my broken promises, that’s his weapon against me. He even told me that ive let him down so many times and he just cant accept the fact that that’s the way I repaid him, the one and only person who accepted me with all of his heart.

I sent him a message telling that I am already here and waiting. He replied that he will arrive in just a few minutes from his apartment. I entered the fast food chain; I conveniently sat on an empty table near the door, eagerly waiting for him, looking beyond the darkness of the moonless night. From this point forward, my life was a well mix up of muddy hue of my past and the blurred images of the future, how can my present survive this onslaught.

Then out of the darkness of the night, I saw him march his way to me. He came without any trace of angst or any anger in his face. Kingly as a lion in the desert, his decent can be characterized by a knight in a cold December evening, his horse, galloping his way towards the person he was about to save from the impending pandemonium. I pretended I did not see him, to pretend that I am surprised and thrilled to see him again after 5 long years, and indeed I was. When he tapped my back, strong enough to make me wince in pain, I saw him smile a caring and tender smile. He seems different; the demon that I was expecting to combat was not him, instead a kind angelic figure was in front of me. He looked younger than the last time I saw him, hes buffer now and all the excess fats were gone, he’s taller than me, and damn he looks sexy. AS I see him, his qualities were the qualities that Benedict’s lookin for a mate. “Maybe he knows where I can find letting go and moving on…” I told myself.

“Ano kamusta ka na, long time no see, kala ko nakalimutan mo na ko.” AS he told me while his left arm arched its way to my right shoulders, a gesture that Benedict will never do.

Relieved as I am, he’s not Andy that ive known in the past. The materialistic and egotistic person was all but gone. “Ok lang ako, its nice to see you again. Kumain ka naba, wag ka mag alala ako tayo ngayon.” I replied with the sweetest smile my face could ever give.

“Gwapo at macho mo na ngayon ah, crush na kita!” I exclaimed to him and I cant help but grin when I saw him smile back.

“Ikaw lang eh, iniwan mo ako. 5 years yun ah.”

It wasn’t love at second sight, but I was extremely happy that I have a friend back in my life. This was the start of the longest and most unforgettable night of my life.


To be Continued…

If You Dont Wanna Love Me

If You Don’t Wanna Love Me
James Morrison
LP: Songs For You, Truths For Me

When you lower me down,
So deep that I
I can't get out
And when you'r lost, lost and alone,
Yes, you'd think it was a last place,
You'd come back for more

If you don't want me to leave,
Then don't push me away,
Rather blow out the lights you can watch it all fade
But I'm going nowhere

I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
When you're closing you're eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
You can't push me too far
Theres no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love you

And when there's no, no storm,
Then how can I feel the calm,
If theres nothin', nothin', nothin' left to lose,
Then what is this feeling
that keeps on bringing me back to you,

So i'm gonna stay,
When you just wanna fight
And you're closin' your eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me,

Said i'm gonna stay
Oh yes I will,
You cant push me too far theres no place in my heart,
Where I dont wanna love you.

If you asked me to leave
And I walked away
We'd still be alone
And We'd still be afraid
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere

'Cause I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
When you're closing you're eyes
'Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
All the tears that I've cried,
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me.

(i) Sweet Nothin', Really or Maybe

I felt oddly chirpy as I was trailing down the MRT station going to Trinoma, I cant help but realize how wonderful the day was, setting aside the polluted air that I breath, the carbon infested stairs im trudging and somehow the unpretty face of the traffic below. Maybe it was because my fare from the not so far south to Manila was free or maybe it was the wonderful time ive spent with great friends previously or the thought that im gonna meet someone special, made the bells ring.

I was running late on our meet up for the first time ever. I always make it a point to arrive at least 30 minutes early, and today it was all but trashed. Maybe it was a sign that not all heroes can do all things at once, hence being his self proclaimed Hero, I confess that Im still human and have flaws. I’m quite sure hes very hungry, I promised him that ill treat him for lunch today. Unfortunately, before our meet up was finalized, I was previously invited by a sweet couple, both good friends of mine, to have an early lunch at Max’s Tagaytay, I cant help but accept the invitation, the thing was both lunch dates were scheduled at the same day. With my heart full of stories that me, Brix and Brian shared over the festive meal, I immediately pranced my way towards the nearest Starbucks, our regular meet up place, for me to meet the lunch deprived Benedict. He knew very well that I would be late, but I still feel guilty that I had that very fulfilling lunch with friends while he waited for me with an empty stomach. I do hope he did not feel that he was least of my priorities.

“I’m here already, where are you?” were the words that I instantly typed on my mobile phone as I sped my way to the meeting place. The mall was quite busy today, being weekends. Within a minute or two my phone vibrated and it was Benedict’s message “Dito lang ako sa Data Blitz, may tinitingnan lang. Wait for me there, im on my way.”

I eagerly waited for him, I dare not follow him to Data Blitz coz I don’t know where exactly was that shop. After a few minutes have passed, there he was, carried by the escalator towards me. He looks a little frail and delicate, still the inexplicable aura that he possess lingers on his physique as he trail down like a model in a catwalk. Benedict’s simple get up of plain t-shirt and worn out jeans cannot hide his good looks and endearing personality.

When he was just meters away from me, my heart was telling me to hug him tightly for me to show how much I missed him, the fact that it was only a few days ago that we last met each other. “Do I look good enough for him?” I asked myself as I saw him checking me out, “probably my fashion wasn’t that good at all". Inches away from him, I managed to just tap his shoulder two times, like what I always do to friends. “Im Sorry, im so late… im sure your hungry, lets go grab some plate..?” I said excitedly as ever. “San mo gusto?”

I can decide for myself, that’s true, but if im with someone else, I tend to favor the things that certain someone likes, and definitely ill love it too… That’s why im no good in choosing a place to eat, moreover what to eat, when situations like this occur…

He was also clueless to where we will eat, we surveyed the crowded mall and to no avail all fastfood chains were occupied, I planned to take him to fine dining resto, but my budget doesnt allowed me, so after sometime, Benedict decided to eat on Tokyo Tokyo. It was my first time in Tokyo Tokyo, so I wasn’t familiar with anything that they were offering. AS per Benedict’s knowledge, their Tonkatsu was the best so we settled for Two set of Pork Tonkatsu’s with rice and Chocolate Mousse for desert.

And there we were, me facing him, him eating my heart out. Sometimes I ask myself why someone falls for another if they are not really meant for each other…? It just don’t make any sense at all. You find a treasure, in front of you, you wanted to keep it, but it wasn’t meant for you but for another person... How can someone who just happened to give you an extra smile, a tighter hug, a firmer handshake and a bonus closeness own your stupid heart as faster than the service of Tokyo Tokyo. The Pork Tonkatsu was good and the Mousse was sweet, really. But was there any chance that me and him be sweeter than this mousse..? maybe

“Why arent you eating?” He asked me as he lifted his face up to face mine as I slowly memorize the contours of his face.

“Actually I finished my lunch already with Brix and Brian. Remember them?” I bit my lips hoping that he wont be jealous that I prioritized them instead of him, my best friend.

“Ahh, yeah right, i do hope they’re fine.” He smiled at me as he was enjoying his lunch, me enjoying the time im spending with him. It seems that all problems that I have, vanishes when im with him, no worries on life existed when im with him, no crisis was permanent when I think of his smiles, his taps on my shoulder. I just wish I can steal more time from him for me, to satiate my hunger for love, peace and tranquility.

But our time was limited. We live in a world separated by distance & time. He has his own problems to deal with and I have my own world to survive in. How was I foolish enough to think that there was a possibility that here in the fast food chain that we were currently face to face, he would tell me how much important my presence means to him, how much he craved to hold me in his arms and whisper the things I always wanted to hear from him. But I knew all along, right from the first time I saw the shadow of his eyes, that he loved someone else, his precious one, the treasure of his life, and I will just be an ordinary pearl in the sea of oysters… But eventhough I knew that this feelings will open up my heart to enormous pain, that same love also heals me from it. How ironic that would be, and when will I wake up from this dream which will never come true… ?

After ordering two more extra rice, ive shared mine to him, I laughed so loud, the moment he finished all four cups. Two things, Benedict was starving or that’s the correct amount food intake his stomach can digest. I didn’t ate as much as him, but im very sure im much fuller than him, the heart that is.

I had another meet up that night, I have told him time and again about the person whom im gonna meet, Andy. I was just hoping that he would say "no" to this next meet up. But he insisted that I should go. Maybe he was hoping that the next counter would be the one who will accept me and my excess baggages, or maybe he cares enough for me and lets me wander around and not be confined with his presence or maybe he wants me to enjoy the life that I have for now or maybe he wants to push me away so that he can also be free from me.

I was overanalyzing the situation again.

I know our time was short so I have taken the priveledge to ride the MRT with Benedict on his way home, from north to south, eventhough Andy was waiting for me on the MRT one station up north. Riding with him, my right shoulder touching his left shoulder meant a lot to me. It was those intimate moment that I never dreamed would come true… We talked a lot, laughed a lot, giggled a lot, like what true friends do...

The train stopped, and its parting time again, we tapped each others shoulder, bid our pleasant goodbyes,

"If something turn out wrong tonight between you and Andy, just give me a call, and ill be there, ok?" He told me as he sealed the question with a smile.

"Ok, take care of yourself..."

He turned his back away from me… I do hope the next food chain of the night would erase the pain that was now overwhelming me. Maybe Andy knows the fast food chain where I can find moving on and letting go for free.

---

i think that the only reason people hold on to memories so tight is because memories are the only things that don't change, when everybody else does....- Anon"

FAST FOOD CHAIN: Prologue

He has already requested me what he wanted and it was my job to give our orders to the attendant in the counter. When it comes to choosing which is best for both of us, I always takes his advice, the thing that he craves the most, and automatically that would also be my most favorite in the world. Those which makes the people I love happy, makes me happier.

There were three counters, all occupied simultaneously by three different individuals. In three different choices, ill only be second in line, never the priority. I guess it’s the unending rule of life: First Come, First Served.

But does that rule apply also for love? Is the lover before you more precious?

Is choosing the person we will love truly as easy as choosing food from the enumerated and sometimes pictured delicacies printed on the illuminated signages in the counter of a fast food chain?

Can love be developed, prepared and served as quickly as the food prepared and served in a fast food chain?

Can we find true love in the person in front of us, the one who is happily eating your heart out, the unique individual that life destined you to be sharing this very special moment?

And after what has been said and done…

Can we buy “letting go” and “moving on” in the same fast food chain where we have experienced love- which was free…?


----
Next:
(i) Tokyo Tokyo

(ii) Starbucks

(iii) Yellow Cab

(iv) McDonalds

(v) Jollibee

The Start of An Arabian End

Ever since I came back three months ago from vacation, I was considering on quitting my job here abroad and try my luck back home. Basically, it would be a courageous move for me, since I do not have a single peso on any bank anywhere in the world and of course my wallet is just as shy as the one holding him. But in life, courage is one thing, uncertainty is another. So I would try my luck based on pure instincts, and all the while Mr. Instinct is telling me just to wait a few more moments before considering any plans, since, the future is fluid and anything can change.

I received a sign already that my stint here in the middle east is coming to an end. I clearly recall the reason why I ended up here as an OFW. It was purely chance, and of course a tremendous choice. I was happy in my previous work, if not for the generous amount of money waiting for me in the scorching desert I wouldn’t wanna be separated from my work there. I wonder what could have happened if I did not left the Philippines:

1. Instead of Lora, my classmate that I have previously recommended in the company, I would have been the supervisor of the company’s laboratory now, salary amounting a generous 20 thousand pesos with just minimal work responsibilities. (well true enough, but as I look at myself now, I gained a star in my resume, proved to myself and to my terror Boss that I am a company asset and more money to help loved ones, and when I mean help, it means HELP! So its not really bad, I ended up here)

2. My officemate, and I would have been celebrating our 3rd year together. WE had our share of intimate moments. Yeah right, because I chose to be away, we never had the chance to cross the bridge together. (I can never call him an ex for there was never “US”, but in case I stayed, for sure we’d end up together, and the rejections that I have gone through would’ve have scarred me… still the important thing here is I learned more than I deserved, I knew how much I can give, not wanting anything in return, and im so thankful for that… in time, ill heal. Joms is right, someone out there is ready to share his umbrella for me)

3. I could have enjoyed every summer in Bora, or every Christmas with loved ones or the Gimiks at bars and disco’s and reunions at Puerto Galera, Cebu and Bagiou. (me as a person would have enjoyed, while my family, still waiting to be happy… im glad their living a good life now, because of me and my brothers, their children. Sacrifice was indeed worth it.)

4. I could have spared my early twenties, surfing the net. Have EB’s all day long or just roam and invade bath houses in the metro. (luckily my innocence was preserved, I still long for that love at first sight or the ever famous “spark”)

5. And I could have enjoyed my life to its fullest and not be here, contemplating the what ifs of the previous years. (nah, but I think its time to find myself)

After all that happened and could have happened, I never regretted anything at all. I do think, instead of cruising a materialistic and selfish road, I chose a humble one. Where I learned that happiness can be obtained only thru giving, and when you are giving your all, you have attained a different level of personality that can never be found in Boracay or in Bars and discos, or in any tagayan sessions, whether it be in Cebu or Bagiou. Though there is one major drawback: I felt incomplete, I lost myself and finding it again is major hard. Dr. Magsasaka was indeed correct when he said “Love yourself before others can love you”

As I look at myself now, im strong, empty-yes, but strong enough to face every waking day. But I will never regret anything that happened to me after I have decided to leave the Philippines. There were some losses, but I gained more.

Let go and be happy. But sad to say, im not ready yet – to let go to something that makes the lives of my loved ones easy, how can I be happy if I see their future uncertain? Nevertheless I have laid the following plans, and maybe the moment the plan was put in motion and the time the visions and missions are already complete, ill say to myself: “Well Done Cowboy!”

Here’s my Conscience’s plan:

1. Since you feel a bit lonely. Just imagine that every night of your life, its only Willie Revillame and his program waiting for you in your room. Ill give you a chance to buy a new laptop since you gladly gave your old one to your brother and your game console to your other brother, your 3G phone to your parents. I do hope a new gadget will make your room a little bit homey.

2. Open a new bank account, I know you have a phobia with regards to Bank, I think its time for you to trust them again 1 more time. Don’t let your inquisitive mind spend all your hard worked money inside the cabinet.

3. Master playing your new baby: your acoustic guitar. I know you love to sing.

4. Pay all your debts, and help your loved one(s) in need.

5. Finish constructing your house, your Inay would love to see the floor and the bathroom “tiled”

6. I know your lazy, but a lil exercise will do, or else, market value will dwindle.

After two years…

7. By the end of November 2011, you already have saved 1 million pesos on your bank account. Then its time to go home you young millionaire. lols

8. After 26 years of having no relationships, 28 is a good year to start a serious long one, unless otherwise someone came along and LDR is a go.

9. I know your planning to buy a car, its not wise, you don’t know how to drive, instead invest your money on business: since lil bro is taking up computer related course, an internet café is a good start.

10. Its your dream to work in Makati? Think Again Don’t be fooled by the cute dresses and suits, First and foremost, after your stint in the middle east, try to find a job related to your course, it would be a waste on your track record if you ended up as a call center agent. Try multinational Food or drug companies or government agencies, otherwise, Medical transcriptionist or teaching is a go.

11. While working, take masteral units, preferably in UP, so that fees will not be that big. Ask Dr. Magsasaka for any suggestions

12. While working your ass and grinding your brain again on your daily activities, try to socialize, it wont hurt to have some fun.

---

Sabi kasi ni Mr. Instinct, na kalimitan ay tama, “hintay hintay lang ng kaunti pang panahon para naman maabot mo ang dapat maabot, malayo pa ang lalakbayin, pero kakayanin mo yan for sure.” Sabi ko naman sa kanya, “pagod na ko eh, hanggang saan pa ba dadalhin tayo ng ating mga paa, paano natin malalaman kung narating na natin ang paroroonan? Eh tutal sinabi mo, sige na nga, basta samahan mo ako, wag mo ko iiwan”.

"...and ill never be the same again"

Sabi ni Idol, maswerte raw ang mamahalin ko kasi binibigay ko daw lahat kahit wala nang natitira. Nakakakwentuhan ko kasi siya malimit tungkol sa buhay buhay at malamang sa hindi, tungkol sa lovelife ko ang topic. Sa totoong buhay dalawang beses pa lamang ako umibig ng todo.

Yung una, ikakasal na siya ngayong Abril. Siya ang naging, kumbaga, “ideal” para sa akin, unless otherwise hindi nya ka level, lahat ng aspeto ng pagkatao, hindi ako mahuhulog at magkakagusto basta basta. Matagal kong nilihim sa kanya ang pag – ibig na iyon, para lamang I reject, at muling bigyan ng pag-asa, at para lamang I reject ulit. Hanggang sa nagsawa na akong magbigay ng pagmamahal, napapagod din pala ang puso.

Si ikalawa, kabaliktaran sya ni una. Mahirap maipaliwanag pero may malaking pagkakaiba sa kanilang dalawa. Pero doble ang pagmamahal ko kay ikalawa. Love at first sight ang nangyrai sa amin ni Una, pero kay ikalawa, gradwal ang proseso, pero mas intense habang nagtatagal. Kay ikalawa ko tinupad ang pangakong hindi kailanman siya mag-iisa, at yun nga naman ang nangyari. Ngunit, mahal na mahal niya ang isa ko ring kaibigan. At sa hinaba haba ng pagsasama namin ni ikalawa, alam ko sa KANYA lamang siya liligaya. Alam ko simula palang ng laban talo na kagad ako. Hindi naman sa panalo at talo yun eh, "its how you play the game...". Kay ikalawa, nabago ang takbo ng buhay ko, sabihin lang niyang manatili na lamang ako sa Pilipinas, gagawin ko.

Pero hanggang kailan ba ako magbibigay ng pagmamahal, paubos na kasi ang tubig sa malalim kong balon?

Mukhang galit si Una sa akin, kasi, inaasahan niya akong tutulungan siyang mapaganda ang kasal nila ng kanyang kabiyak. Si ikalawa, ibibigay ko ang lahat, kahit walang kapalit. Natanong ko tuloy sa sarili ko, ako na lang ba lagi ang nagbibigay ng pagmamahal? Nakakapagod din pala, hindi ba nila naisip kung gaano sila kaswerte, tulad nga ng sabi sa akin ni IDOL parati.

Pero paano naman ako, kung ubos na ang tubig sa balon ko? Matutuyo ako, sino naman kaya ang magpupuno ulit noon…?

Kahit gaano man katagal ang paghihintay ko, kung talagang itim ang uwak, hindi na ito magiging puti. Sabi ko nga kay Idol dati, hinihintay ko ang panahong haharap ako kay ikalawa na hindi na siya ang laman ng puso ko. Nahirapan kasi akong tagpian ang butas na ginawa ni UNA sa puso ko, at mukhang mahihirapan na naman akong pasakan ang bagong butas sa madugong laman na nasa dibdib ko.

Pero sa dulo ng daang tatahakin ko, ang tangi kong pangarap lamang ay Makita siyang masaya at ligtas. Ok na akong nakamasid sa kanya habang tumatawa kasama ng taong tunay niyang mahal.

Alam ko madrama na naman ako. Palagi naman. Naisip ko lang yung sinabi ni Idol, maswerte nga ba sila sa akin o malas lang ako at sila ang minahal ko…?

I think im ready to move on…

“Thank you for everything, you changed my life… Tsaka what I feel for you is a very special love… Yakk ang korni! Hehe”
-Mink to ikalawa

Payong

Mataas ang sikat ng araw, ngunit ang init na dulot nitoy nakakapagpalubag loob sa aking pusong nanlalamig. Sa panahon ng tag-araw dumating ka sa aking buhay, una pa lamang kitang nakita kakaibang init na kagad ang naramdaman ko, mas matindi pa ang dulot nito kaysa sa ligayang dulot ng haring araw, mas maningning pa ang kinang ng iyong presensya kaysa sa pilak sa gitna ng arawan. Saya ng dulot ng tag-araw, hindi kinakailngang magbilad sa sikat ng araw, maraming puno ang magkakanlong sa atin, habang ngiti at tawa mo ang aking lagging pinagmamasdan. Sa tag-araw natin nakita ang ligaya ng buhay, at noon ko napagtanto na ikaw na nga ang nais kong kasukob sa papalapit na unos.

Dumating ang tag ulan, magkasama pa rin tayo. Pilit ko mang iwaksi ang damdamin ko sa iyo, mukhang tuluyan na akong nahulog sa iyo, hindi ito mapipigilan tulad ng ulan sa kanyang pagpatak sa uhaw na lupa. Pilit ko mang pigilin ito, ngunit ang tangi ko lang magagawa ay pagmasdan ang mala-likidong diamante na pumapatak… isa, dalawa, hanggang laksa laksang tumulo, para bang lumuluha ang langit. Lumalakas ang buhos ng ulan, nakatago na rin ang haring araw. Pinangako ko sa iyo na palagi kitang dadamayan sa lahat, iyon ang pangakong aking tutuparin. Nababasa ka na ng ulan. Nilapitan kita at pinasukob sa aking payong, ngumiti ka…

"Sukob na, Halika na

Sabay tayo sa PAYONG ko,

Yakap ka, kapit pa

Umulat Bumagyo,

magkasama tayong Dalawa..."

Kasukob kita sa aking payong, nililingon kita sa bawat saglit upang matiyak na hindi ka nababasa ng ulan. Sa liit ng payong ko, natutuwa ako at nagpupumilit tayong manatiling tuyo sa gitna ng bugso ng panahon… Ngunit mukhang lumalakas ang hangin pinilit kong igawi sa iyong bahagi ang kabuuan ng payong, di baleng nababasa ako ng ulan bastat nakikita kitang tuyo at ligtas, maligaya at umiibig. malamig na pakiramdam ang dulot ng malungkot na ulan... Tila may hinahanap ka sa malayong dako, hindi mo nakikitang nababasa na ako, pero wala yun sa akin, hindi mo man ako nililingon, masaya ako at kahit ilang saglit ay nakasama kita. Sa anino ng iyong mga mata, napagtanto kong siya pa rin pala talaga ang mahal mo.

Dumating na ang hinihintay mo, at nasa kabilang kalye sya, hinihintay ka… Sinabi ko sa iyong OK lang… Tinawid mo ang kalsada at dala dala ang payong ko, sa iyo naman talaga yan eh, simula pa lang, sa iyo ko na inialay ang napakahalagang bagay na iyan. Basa na ako sa ulan, nilingon mo ako at nakitang nakatingala, nginitian kita at sinabing “mag-ingat kayong dalawa, huwag kang mag-alala sa akin”, kasunod ang isang ngiti… Nakita mo kaya na sa kabila ng ngiting iyon, tumutulo ang luha ko sa gitna ng ulang pumapatak sa aking mukha?

Am I Really Over You?

Am I Really Over You?
Lyrics by: Mink, 31.03.09

Am I really over you?
It doesn’t feel so right
When a dream turns into dust
Was goodbye the end of time?
Its unfair you visualize
The word “us” won’t materialize.

The truth? Im holding on
And why? I just don’t know
When you said, we cant avoid…

Chorus:
That I dream of you
While you dream of him
Its typical that love and life are strange
I still dream of you
But I cant pretend
That all along
We don’t belong
Need to move on…

Crying while the storm reigns
Don’t wanna let you know
That its breakin me apart
The time I memorized your face
My eyes see nothin’ but you
But now my visions stopped

I need to be alone
What the heck, all this time I was
Indelible, you are

Chorus:
Yes I dream of you
While you dream of him
Its typical that love and life are strange
I still dream of you
But I need to believe
If theres no you
Dreams will endure
And life goes on

If theres no us
Dreams will endure
And life goes on

A little kindness in the night

The cold metal arms of the silver chair made my hair go straight up as I sit on it, the cold December weather was to be blamed on this. Im not alone inside the coffee shop there were a clique composed of a boy and two of his GFF’s on my right side and presumably a sweet couple of PLU’s on my back. Im definitely alone, well technically I am, but the fluffy STUFF inside the colorful package on top of the table was my lone friend there. Its already dark and getting late, though I haven’t noticed the time because im enjoyin watching people passing by in front of my table, but when stores – other than the coffee shop where I was seated- started to close their lights, a sign that it was really late, I started to get annoyed… still I was patient enough to wait and sit there, to wait for him.

I noticed that the security personnel constantly checks the people around the coffee shop, which by the way was a good thing, I noticed that in the long hours- probably 3, I havent bought anything, which maybe made me look suspicious, so I stood up, grabbed my colorful paperbag, i previously bought at the near department store, and went to the counter to order a hot chocolate drink… to my annoyance, the taste was not at all good – for I am currently working in a chocolate company, so I can really tell, anyhow, I don’t wanna waste my money I tried to drink it all up while waiting…

“15 minutes and im already there…”

This was his message the previous hour, im not complaining at all, it was me on the first place that wanted to meet him, and his place was so far away from the place we would meet so I guess I have no reason to be annoyed.

So there was I seated again on the cold metal piece under a useless umbrella’d table, the colorful paperbag on top of table, me staring at people’s faces as they walk past…

Then there he was, walking towards me, he still wears the same exact face and has the same exact body that made my smile so wide… It was so swift, all of a sudden that smile faded, he was with somebody else, he was with his ex boyfriend, they look so good together. They weren’t holding hands coz Shawn was holding a Fila Box and Andrew was just as eagerly on his side… though they were far away from me, I saw how they disappeared underground using an elevator.

Ouch, I said to my self, I hesistated to call him, I don’t wanna spoil what good chance Shawn has- to gain Andrews trust. This was the chance Shawn was waiting for to prove how much he loves Andrew and im not gonna spoil that, never, eventhough this feeling can kill me, still im Shawns "friendship", a friend who loves him dearly… I suddenly noticed that warm tears are starting to well up on my brown eyes and the clique in front of me was noticing my changed behavior so I twisted my position and secretly wiped the pain away from my eyes… still I waited for him, I already waited for hours and it wont hurt to face a friend who always wanted me to be happy… Do I have to wear a mask in front of him, is this going to be a masquerade?

The bittersweetness of the hot chocolate started to sink in to me, but still the love that I feel inside will always overwhelm that annoying feeling of repulsion and rejection. I waited for them to burst out of the elevator door at any moment, smiling and looking happy, but no Shawn or Andrew came out…

Then all of a sudden from my back Shawn was there smiling, though a little haggard, wearing his white tees and worn out jeans, greeting me A good December night. I was a lil shocked because I never expected him to come from my back…

“I could swear that I saw you going down that elevator holding a Fila shoe box and guess whos with you? Andrew!”

“Talaga?! Its impossible, I came from the MRT station, and I was late, im sorry, nakatulog ulet ako… impossible… but it’s a good sign, sana magdilang anghel ka Mink!”

Ouch

“The truth is I really saw my Ex, I mean my other Ex boyfriend on the MRT, Angelo, he still looks gorgeous of course, and he gave me this calling card, small world eh, Here take a look…”

i took a small paper from him. Another ouch.

“Kaso ayoko na makipagclose dyan, baka ma inlove ako ulet, but still I do hope the vision that you saw will come to pass, hopin hopin hopin for the best…”

The third ouch…

I invited him for a late dinner at KFC, talked almost about everything, including how I felt for him and his passive response which I could understand, I have to try to understand… While he was talking, I took time to study and memorize every lines of his face, every curve of his muscles and the dimples that accessorize his face. My spirits are lifted whenever im with him that erases all hurt and sorrows in life, I hope he knows how therapeutic his presence means to me…

As the moon rises to the blackened sky, its already time to be separated, he turned his back away from me, just for me to run after him and holler.

“Hey Shawn you forgot this…” me lifting the colorful package and handed it to him…

“Thanks, whats this...?"

"Lets just say, hes a little kindness in the night." I smiled

"you take care ok?.”

"You too... my friend."

He smiled, a little kindness in the night.

He turned his back- no hugs, no kisses, no goodbyes, only déjà vu’s.

I watched as he disappeared from my sight.

How can something so right be so wrong at the same time...?

(he named the cute Teddy bear as "Mike")

---

Love, cant you see im alone
Can you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask
A little kindness in the night
Please don’t leave behind
Please don’t tell me love is blind…
- Ocean Deep, Cliff Richards

But Before You Go

But Before You Go
Music and Lyrics by Mink (written 22.07.07)

You are packing your things
In the room, in our suitcase
You said you’re tired of me
And you need a change of heart

While I sit down on the porch
Still cryin’, still lovin’ you
I know that you are lying
Or its what I wanted to believe

But Before you go…

Chorus 1:
Can you tie my two hands
So they can let you go
I’m sorry I cant help but hold you
Can you shut my two eyes
So tears wont fall down
I’m sorry I cant help but cry…

I learned that you will leave the keys
Of the house and the SUV
You said you don’t need them
And I need to move on

While I still hold on my dreams
I tried to hug you, then kiss you
Even as a sign of goodbye
Indeed, the saddest word in the world

But Before you go…

Chorus 2:
Can you seal my red lips
So I wont beg you to stay
“Baby I need you beside me…”
Can you leave your perfume
So I can smell you everyday
Ill dream of the day…
(The day youll come back to me)

Instrumental

Can you give back the key
Of my heart, it wont open
It seems that you alone can do it
Can you give back my life
It was useless without you
Baby you are my everything…

SILUWET

SILUWET
10.03.09

Naging mission ko mula nung nakabalik ako dito sa ibayong dagat na hindi magtira ng kahit isang pirasong kanin sa platong kinakainan ko, bukod sa nagtitipid, simbolo ng sakripisyo at pagmamahal, kaya kalimitan medyo dramatic lagi kapag kumakain ako. Nasabi ko kasi ansarap ng kain ko kaninang tanghali, napadami nga ang kain ko ng kanin, yun bang tipong hanggang sa kahuli hulihang butil ng kanin kinain ko. Tinext ako ng Inay, kung ano daw ulam ko. Text back ako:

“Corned Beef tsaka ketsup ulam ko, sarap!. Hehe”

Muwal na muwal akong kumakain nang tumawag ang inay ko. Aba aba, maraming load. Naisip ko kagad ang iniisip ng inay, gusto nya akong I cheer up, kasi naaawa yun sa akin pag yun lang kinakain ko, Ang inay talaga, hindi na nasanay sa akin, alam naman nyang sanay sa hirap ang anak nya nag aalala pa.

Marami kaming napag-usapan. Bibili daw ng videoke ang tiyuhin kong taga Germany at gagawing paarkila parang negosyo ba. Mahilig kasi talaga sa musika ang pamilya namin. Tapos si Mandy yung pamangkin ko, hmmm ang term ng inay ko, “NAKAKALOKA” na daw, haha. Base sa translation ng brain ko ang ibig sabihin non, gusto na rin nyang magkaapo. Nasabi din nya na mag-aasawa na ang Ate Nene, 28, sa isang 41 years old teacher din. Ang biro ng Inay “wag na nyang palampasin ito at baka hindi na sya makahanap ng iba…”.

Kilala nya si LUCIAN, yung arabong kaibigan ko. Tinanong nya kung bakit hindi ko na palaging kasama… At ang nakakalokang linya nya:

“Bakit break na ba kayo? Nakahanap na ba ng iba?”

Ang sabi ko na lang, “ibrineak ko na”, sabay tawa.

Naalala ko tuloy ang sinabi Bob Ong:

“Huwag kang malulungkot kung ang taong mahal mo ay hindi ka mahal,
Dahil may nagmamahal sa iyo na hindi mo rin mahal, kaya patas lang…”

At yung text na:

“When somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love you with all they have…”

Sa istorya kasi namin ni Lucian, may mga string ako na pinutol between us, masakit for him siguro. Pero I have to do that para hindi umaasa, were still friends na hanggang dun lang talaga…

Kumbaga, ang buhay ko dati… nagtatayo ako ng tulay, isang maigting na tulay para sa taong mahal ko, ang tulay na hindi kailanman matatawid ng taong pinaglaanan ko niyon. Mali siguro ang pagkakaintindi ko ng mga bagay bagay dati. Sa ngayon nawawala ang direksyon ng aking kinabukasan, para akong teleponong na ka hang o kaya isang kotseng tumatakbong walang nagmamaneho. Ganun katindi.

Tatlong teka, as in teka teka teka

Medyo napapalayo ako sa topic, hehe

Mabalik tayo sa araw ko.

Paglabas ko ng kwarto, galing sa aking pagmumuni muni, aba aba aba… Tanghaling tapat, pero ang dilim… Ang naaninag ko lang sa bintana ay ang kulay Yellow orange, ang nasambit ko lang ay “Oh God” kinabahan ako akala ko magugunaw na ang mundo… buti na lang nang makalabas ako sa pinto ay isang napakatuminding sandstorm lang pala. Kinabahan ako sobra...

Habang nagtatatakbo ako pabalik sa building na pinagtatrabahuhan ko, at habang winawasiwas ako ng hanging may dalang napakadaming alikabok, hindi ko masyadong makita ang daan, inuubo ako sa tindi ng hagupit ng alikabok sa mukha ko, napupuwing ako at napapapikit sa hapdi na dulot ng lupang nagkaroon ng pakpak. Nasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na ganito siguro mailalarawan ang estado ng buhay ko ngayon, walang kasiguraduhan, blurred. Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat, sa dako pa roon may isang pigura ng taong naghihintay sa akin, medyo blurry pa nga lang, silhouette ng taong magbibigay muli ng direksyon sa buhay ko. Malamang kakilala ko na siya o isang estrangherong hindi ko pa nakilala, who knows, baka siya na ang sagot sa aking mga dasal… at malay natin baka sabihin nya pag nagkatagpo na kami:

“you are my answered prayer”

Nakow, destiny. J

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Sa wakas nakakahinga na ulet ako ng maluwag. After ng pinagdaanan ko ngayong araw, matapos suungin ang napakatuminding sandstorm, isa lang ang masasabi ko:

Masarap mangulangot. Thank God for our Pinkies!

Ang Lalaki sa Ilog

I had a really bad dream kagabi. Hindi ko maintindihan why it was that bad, there is something wrong lang siguro talaga sa paraan kung paano ako mag isip kahapon. Takot na takot ako the moment the nightmare ended. There is something terribly wrong.

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Mahina ako sa pag rerecall ng mga panaginip. But as far as I can remember, the dream was about a river, a historical river in the Philippines. May pangalan yung ilog na iyon, hindi ko maalala. Gaya ng isang pelikula, ako ang may hawak ng camera. Mahaba ang ilog, hindi ko binabagtas yun, kumbaga para akong entity lamang na nagoobserba sa kahabaan ng ilog. Napapalibutan ang ilog ng mga puno ng saging at isang uri pa ng puno na hindi ko maalala kung ano, sampalok yata.

Tumigil ang eksena sa isang parte ng ilog, mababaw ang ilog at nasa batuhang gitna ng ilog kami, dumating si Mel Tiangco, at isa pang assistant nya, parang si Vicky Morales ang itsura eh, tapos parang ako ang Cameraman nila. Dito na papasok ang nakakatakot na eksena. Habang kinukunan ko si Mel Tiangco at sa hindi kalayuan ay si Vicky, may isa kasing lalaki na nakatalikod. Alam ni Mel na andun ang lalaki sa likod niya, pero hindi nya pinapansin. Hindi humaharap ang lalaki. Hindi ko nakita ang mukha nya, parang may hawak syang walis, basta parang may hawak sya na baston na hindi ko matandaan o hindi ko Makita kung ano. Inexplore ni mel ang Ilog, documentary program ito. At natapos ang report na hindi lumilingon ang lalaki.

Nagtataka din si Vicky sa eksenang iyon, nung nirereview na nya sa studio yung kuha namin, may napansin syang kaaiba sa mga kable ng kuryente sa tabi ng ilog na katapat ng tubuhan, may off sa eksena, parang may gumagalaw sa kable, dahilan para magiba ito ng position. May kung anumang nilalang yata na nagkukubli sa tubuhan.

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At nagising ako na takot na takot.

Ang Keso, Kangkong at Kanton

Antagal ko ring nawala. Namimiss ko ring magsulat, kaso, hindi ako makabuo ng kung anumang dapat mabuo kasi, pag nakaka isang talata na ko binubura ko ulet. Kase puro kasinungalingan lang at kabulastugan ang nasusulat. Kaya itigil na lang at wag nang mag atubili pa. pero mukhang ginaganahan ako ngayon.

Napatunayan ko na mahirap magpanggap na masaya ha, nung panahong malungkot, well lungkot lungkutan pa rin naman hanggang ngayon, pero carry na. yung mga tao na palagi daw nakatawa at pangiti ngiti lang, yun yung mga delikadong tao na dapat layuan, tulad ko siguro,. Mga taong andaming angst na tinatago, ah ewan basta ako, tao lang.

Habang pinagpipira-piraso ko kanina ang mga kesong I tetest ko sa laboratory kanina, putsa naiyak ako. Wala namang kemikal ang kesong iyon na tulad ng sa sibuyas, ano nga ba ulet iyon, Isothiocyanate yata, nalimutan ko na. Nakakahiya, syet , nasa likod ko lang yung kasamahan ko sa trabaho. Isa lang ang masasabi ko si Claudine Baretto ang dahilan.

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Bakit nga ba tayo umiiyak? ang isa sa pinakamagandang kasagutan ay yung isang eksena sa LOBO, hinding hindi ko malilimutan. Eksena yun ni Diether Ocampo at nung batang pag laki ay si Agot Isidro na ina ni Angel Locsin. Anyway eto yung gist ng eksenang yun: Aalis kasi at iiwan na ni Diet ang pamilya nya, kasi nga hinahunting sya, tapos nagpapaalam na siya sa anak nya habang umiiyak ang pobreng si Diet, tanong ng anak: bakit daw umiiyak yung tatay nya. Ang sagot: dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal ay hindi na macontain sa katawan kaya lumalabas na lang bilang luha.

yun yun, :(

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Eto mabalik tayo kay Claudine. Naiinis ako kay Claudine Barretto ha. Bakit? Hindi isa, hindi dalawa, kundi tatlong beses na nya akong pinaiiyak. Una yung pelikulang ANAK nila ni Ate Vi, syempre todo relate tayo dun kasi nga OFW tayo o yung walang kamatayang sinasabi sa TFC na mga bagong bayani kuno, in fairness isa ako dun. Ikalawa yung Ending ng Got To Believe na hindi ko pa ever napapanood ng buo, puro ending lang naabutan ko, syempre todo cry kasi buti pa sila nagkatuluyan. At ito pa ha, nung isang gabi MILAN naman ang palabas. Talagang Climax kung climax ang drama anthology ng buhay ko. Nakakainis kasi, ayaw ko nang umiyak, kasi ubos, empty, hollow, nada - na ako. Wala nang matitira sa akin, kung iiyak pa ako ng balde balde at wala namang nag iigib “MULA SA POSO” eh saan ako pupulutin, sa kangkungan? In fairness namimiss ko na ang gulay na kangkong.

Habang nag da dayalog si Claudine nang “Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako, o kailangan mo ako kaya mahal mo ako…” syempre todo iyak, with matching labas ang sipon ang pobreng binata. Oh e di iyak kaming tatlo nila Piolo, napahagulgol ako lalo nang napalingon ako sa cabinet ng food supply ko, pusang gala talaga, oo, Pancit Canton na naman ang ulam ko, sambit ko sa sarili ko, choice ko naman na magpakamiserable ang buhay, sanay na sanay na ako mula pagkabata, sus, super hagulgol lang ako kasi, ako na lang ba lagi ang nagbibigay, sila na lang ba lagi ang nangangailangan… Buong buhay ko kaya kong ibigay, at naialay ko na yata talaga lahat, ang mga ibedensya: ang mga pancit canton, butas na bulsa, tuyong luha, nagpapakabatong puso, kumakalam na sikmura, at nagpapakadramang buhay OFW, minsan hindi na ako makahinga.... Pero ok lang, walang dapat ipag alala dahil STRONG ang lolo Mink, hindi ever sumusuko. Nakakapagod lang minsan, pagod na pagod na ako sa pagbibigay ng pagmamahal, ganun pa man hindi ako titigil hanggat may napapasaya ako at natutulungan kasi, ani nga ni Claudine: “Dahil anak ako, kapatid ako, kamag anak ako, Kaibigan ako…” Kailan ko kaya maidadagdag ang linyang “KASI BOYFRIEND AKO”?. Charot.

Balik tayo sa threesome namin nila Piolo at Claudine, Eh di hagulgol ang kawawang mga artista… buti mag isa lang ako sa kwarto at naka lock ang pinto, nakakahiya kaya itsura ko, kaya minsan ayaw kong manalamin, ansagwa kasi, tsaka nahihiya ako sa sarili ko, ayaw kong makita ang sarili ko, kasi baka sampalin ko ang sarili ko bigla. Pero pag napapatitig ako sa salamin minsan, humahaba na kasi ang hair natin lately, kaya kelangan manuklay, yung bang choices mo palagi araw araw eh maging mukhang mangkukulam o magmukhang aswang, no choice talaga. Any how pagtingin ko lagi sa salamin… ibang tao ang nakikita ko. Isang taong malakas, nakangiti, gwapo (naman) at mabait. Hindi ikaw ako, sabi ko sa kaharap ko. Mahina ka kasi uto-uto ka, Plastik kang walanghiya ka kasi hindi mo masabi ang tunay mo talagang nararamdaman. Selfish kang loko ka kasi… kasi… kasi… kasi…- sa palagay ko hindi ka selfish, so erase natin yang linyang yan. Eto na lang - ampanget panget mo, kaya hindi ka magustuhan ni JOE JONAS (ng Jonas Brothers) kahit ipagpilitan mo ang sarili mo, sorry na lang wala talaga, youre so busted.. Hmmp, sabay ismid sa salamin. Syempre ayaw natin ng mga away, away, world peace and love everyone kaya ang slogan natin. So tinitigan ko mabuti muli ang tao sa harap ko, sa kabila ng namumugto nyang mata, at habang inaaninag ko ang kanyang kaluluwa, masaya siya, dahil kapalit ng lahat ng sakripisyo, lahat ng luha… kapalit ng mga namatay kong kuko sa paa at ng mga sugat sa puso, may buhay na nadudugtungan, may nabibigyan ng pag-asa, may mga napapasaya… Gagawin ko naman lahat eh, aakuin ko lahat ng sakit at paghihirap, ibibigay ko lahat, pero tao lang ako, may hangganan din.

Dati nag eexpect ako na may magbibigay din sa akin, ng pagmamahal, siguro mayroon, bukod sa pamilya syempre-given na kaya yon, mayroon siguro, hindi ko lang maramdaman, kaya itinigil ko nang mag expect. Mukhang tumatalab naman ang orasyon ko habang hinihilod ko ang mga bakokang at mga freckles ko sa katawan pag naliligo, na maalis ang damdaming nagpapahirap sa akin, mahirap matanggal, pero slowly but surely... siguro dadagdagan ko pa ng scented candles and banyo.

Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng napagdaanan ko dati, sa kabila ng mga sandamakmak na iniluha ko dito sa Ibayong dagat, sa Yellow Cab, Galleria at Mcdonalds, Town Center. Marami akong natutunan, marami rin siguro akong napatunayan, sa aking pamilya, sa mga kaibigan at higit sa lahat sa aking sarili.

Sabi nga ng kanta:

“What matters most is that you love at all…”

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Lord God,

Salamat po ng bonggang bongga kasi binigyan Nyo po ako ng malakas na katawan, maunawaing pag-iisip at mapagmahal na puso. Napakasobra napo kung hihiling pa ako kasi sobra sobra na ang naibigay Nyong biyaya sa akin at sa aking mga mahal sa buhay, pero sana po Lord bigyan Nyo po ng malalakas na katawan at pag-iisip ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Thank you po sa lahat lahat lahat ng naibigay Niyo po sa akin. Lahat po ng ito ay para sa Inyo Lord.

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PHOENIX DOWN

"Phoenix Down" (also translated as "Phoenix Tail") is used in most Final Fantasy games to revive an unconscious party member with a small portion of their HP. Phoenix Down often instantly kills or inflicts maximum damage on undead and other creatures harmed by curative spells. The item is supposed to be the feather of a Phoenix, a common symbol of life and rebirth; "down" refers to the down feathers of a bird, the undercoat of feathers beneath the visible layer on top. Other representations of Phoenix Down include the bottled tears of a Phoenix, bolted quivers and bead necklaces. Variants of this item include the Phoenix Pinion and Mega Phoenix, which revive all party members.

-Wikipedia

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I need one badly.




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SONNET XVII
by Pablo Neruda


I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.